Put in My Place.

Being a mother to adopted children is not for the faint at heart. It is glorious and it just plain sucks, all rolled into one. Living overseas is the same. I'd like to say I never want to give up or question what we are doing, what we were thinking. I'd like to say the life I had before doesn't cause me to pause and have an old familiar feeling of lust and desire. I would love to be the Proverbs 31 woman. I would love to be the woman my husband could be proud of, the mother that everyone envies. In my mind, the person I want to be and the person I truly act like bring out the expression, "lost in translation." Before the Christmas break I was feeling run down, useless, longing for home yet defending the decision to move here, thinking I'm alone and not being able to express my thoughts of unrest, boredom and dissatisfaction. Then, my friend shared a blog about obedience and how obedience doesn't always turn out great or feel fun or good. She then questions if it doesn't feel good or doesn't turn out fun, does that mean it's wrong? That we shouldn't have done it? She points out that as Christians, we should do things because they are right in God's eyes, not because they make us feel or gain anything in return. It floored me. Here I have been questioning God about what I'm doing wrong, why am I not gaining fruit when I am giving 100%? What am I doing wrong? Questioning God, my Lord and Savior who made all things possible formed more questions. Uncomfortable ones I wanted to hide from. Do I really believe God is who He says He is? Do I really think He's got it, that He has plans for me, to prosper me? Who do I think I am to question God? Who am I to think my way is better and quicker, easier than His way? Why do I always think I am deserving? Why do I have a self righteous and entitlement attitude? It makes me stop. I'm ashamed. If I really think about it, my answer is this: If I am deserving of rewards for all the good things I do, then what about the bad? I'm way more deserving of the punishments I've never received than the rewards and blessings He has bestowed upon me. Lavished really. I sit here now, in awe that my God loves me. He is merciful, giver of grace, lover of my soul. This realization makes me understand that I am NOT deserving, yet He loves, gives grace, is merciful, guides me, provides for me, and so much more I can't even comprehend. He not only loves me, He pursues me! I pray for myself. I know it's still selfish, but I do. I pray to be more like Him. I pray that when my friends and family look at me that they will see more of Him and less of me. I pray that I will learn to love my husband and kids with an agape love like He loves me. I pray that I may listen to His wisdom, guidance, and will for my life. I pray that His word so fills me with the desire to do His will that all other desires pale in comparison. I am sorry, thankful, joyful, and so many things that don't don't even come close to being enough. I am a Christian. I am a sinner. I am so much more than what I believe I am. I am HIS!