Ugly Words Made Beautiful

Transformation. Obedience. When I think of those words, I have an intrinsic negative reaction. My body tenses, I clench my teeth, my eyes narrow. It's not until I hear, "What's wrong, you're making a face," that I realize it. As this year comes to an end I realize those words have followed me all year, whether with my kids, my friends or myself. No one likes to obey. No one likes to be transformed. It means change. Who likes that? I realize that I have been fighting God all year long. I tried holding onto things that He was whispering to give up. I kept thinking I was hearing Him tell me things in the words others spoke, not realizing it put me farther and farther away from Him. I was disobeying. I didn't give up Thai lessons when He said to. I kept going. I'll give it up when I finish module one. I'm not a quitter. I'll be a failure if I don't do well. I won't be able to communicate and help my family. Other people will judge. On and on the excuses. I realize this is Satan's way of getting you to disobey. He's so cunning. He's manipulative, beautiful, easy, and full of answers to get you on his side. It's only in learning to stop that I realize who I was following. In my Women's group we're learning how to walk with God. In the book, Walking With God John Eldredge talks about how he not only asks God about EVERYTHING, but he listens. And then he doesn't stop there. He asks more questions. As I learn to do this I am learning how to hear God. It's hard. It's not easy. John points out that sometimes we don't want to ask God what His will is because then it would come down to whether we obey or not. What I've found is that when you do bend your will to God's, another ugly word comes along. Transformation. It sounds ugly and sometimes even looks ugly. It's hard. It brings tears. It bring heartache. It also brings faith, love, joy, tender moments, growth, happiness, blessings and so many more things than we could ever imagine. I've seen it in my friends, whose daughter just left for college while they've decided to move to another country and start over again. I've seen it in another neighbor whose first born will move to middle school next year as she gives birth to her fourth child. I see it in several friends who are sick and having to lean on pure faith and not their own understanding. I see it in my friend who is awaiting not one, but TWO of her children to come home from college in two weeks. And I see it in my husband who has played basketball his entire life and was told he can no longer play because he needs a hip replacement at 44years. I've seen newlyweds, people lose their jobs, people change jobs, lose friends, get left out etc. And yet, it all brings about this wonderful transformation that is all part of God's plan. He never said I'll give you roses and unicorns and rainbows. Sometimes he gives you lemons. Sometimes you have to make those lemons into lemonade, and when that doesn't work, a margarita. It has been a hard year, but it has also been a fun year. I've learned that sometimes to reach the beautiful results of transformation, you HAVE to obey. So, grab your lemonade and for some, your margaritas and let's see where God's plan for us leads!

In a Funk

I'm in a funk. Here it is, about to be St. Patty's Day, soon to be Good Friday and Easter. Around all the planning and watching everyone get ready and giving up for Lent, it seems I get more and more depressed. As hard as I try I just can't seem to get out of my funk. I've read the Proverbs 31 blog and the finding joy blog and all the other blogs about God's grace and mercy and forgiveness and I still am feeling loss. It all seems to come at once. The fact I haven't spoken to my parents in months (because they rarely skype and I'm busy) or the fact we are not making the 24 hour flight home this summer, and my child is about to be on academic probation and I dropped my cherished crockpot today and I literally got hit head on by a car while riding my moped yesterday;all of those things feel overwhelming. What feels most overwhelming is how I got jipped. When I had my miscarriage many moons ago I couldn't cry. I have never sat down and had a good cry. It is in these moments of day to day realizing that I never got to hold my Hailley and put bows in her hair or buy her the ridiculously frilly dresses with tutus on it or tell her she is a princess or mold her into a secure, strong daughter of God that I realize I'm mourning. When I realize Elijah never got to play swords or camp out in tents in the living room with friends or wear superman P.J.s or under wear and sing silly children's choir songs, I feel jipped. The sad part is, at 15 and 13, I still get jipped. When I hear other moms talking about their kids experiencing normal, day to day teenage things like going to the mall and hanging out with friends or watching movies and having sleep overs, once again, I get jipped. Watching other moms get pregnant over and over and the blessings that are poured out on them, well, it hurts. It puts me in a funk. I feel loss. I will never stop yearning for that child, that baby. Yet I know in the depths of this sorrow and longing for what might never be, that God has a plan. I keep my faith because I know that His hope is my strength. I know that God wants me to have joy. He never promised this life would be full of fun times and laughter. And in the book study I'm reading it points out that many of us believe that because God is love and is a loving God that He promises us a good life. When we get in funks or feel jipped in life, we blame God because it doesn't look like what WE had planned. It's hard. It's tough. Sometimes there is lack. I am realizing that these things are true in the tough times because I am focusing on myself and the lack in my life. The lack isn't about not having an old navy in Thailand or not being able to shop in Publix or Kroger. It's not about having to pay $118 for tennis shoes that would cost me $60 in the U.S. or $10 for a box of cereal or having no car. The lack is because I'm not allowing God to fill my empty spaces. I am not content. I am not focusing on Him and all He's done for me. Does pointing all this out make my funk go away? No. It doesn't. But it makes me pause and once again thank God He blesses me far more than I deserve. I am rerouting my train of thought, my funk is slowing down but not gone. Galations 6:9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Becoming my favorite verse. Do not give up, do not become weary. I feel God cheering me on, and it feels good.

Eating Crow in the Adventurous Thailand

I'm so full of many different emotions right now it will be hard to write this post. When Chris and I began the prayers of God's will for our lives and moving overseas it took four years. Four years for an answer. But when we were ready for it, we got it right away. I felt it like a sonic boom and so did Chris. We were so excited and on fire to move to Thailand and do God's will for our lives! When I look back I cannot believe we gave up our entire lives to come here and start over It allows Chris to spread the word to those in his classroom, to be free of the restrictions of the public classroom--in the land of the free! People said we were crazy, people said when asked, I would have said no. I asked again, not quite sure I heard, but they affirmed, they would have told God no. They said they would let their husband go and fly back and forth but they would not leave America! Well, let me tell you, I was indignant. I could not believe how many people said that very statement to Chris and I both. It was a shock to know how many of our Christian friends said they would have told God no. I sound like I'm pointing fingers, but please, bear with me. I am not even close to being innocent. We get to Thailand and there are hundreds of ministries to get involved in. I was so confused and began to pray for what God wanted ME to get involved in. Would it be the prison ministry, the sex slave trade ministry, the ministry for orphans, elderly, etc. It seems like everyone is in need here and they are all terrific, very worthy ministries. But my answer kept coming back, "your family is your ministry." Ok, so those of you who really know me that I have always been bossy, energetic, very social and wanting to jump right in and help others. So, while other mothers asked and kind of scoffed when I said that my kids were my ministry "right now" and that I was still praying about which ministry I was going to get involved in, I kept praying for God to show me and reveal to me which ministry I was going to involve myself in. It finally hit me after a year and a half....HELLO! I'm ignoring God! I'm telling God no. Being the mother and having your family as your ministry is not glamorous. It never is recognized. It's not a job that gets appreciated and in fact my son continues to tell me he doesn't think I am capable of doing anything but cooking and bathing. My daughter is afraid that I will not be able to get them anywhere on time when their father is out of town. So, what happens when God calls you to do something and you don't like it? Does that mean you don't do it? Does that mean you keep ignoring it and then one day you will get what you want, a glamorous job with total recognition? I mean, who am I really living for, ME OR GOD? Whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. 1 Corinthians 10:31. So, now that I've eaten crow and realized what I'm doing, what in the world am I going to do about it? I don't have the answers but prayers would surely be nice. Being the mother of two adopted children who have attachment disorder and have not bonded with their mother is hard. NOT glamorous. But I love them so much, and more than that, I love God more than anything and want to follow His will and guidance for my life. What will YOU do? Will you tell God no or ignore Him if He doesn't call you to do something awesome or glamorous? It may not be to you but everything He has in store for us to Him, is for His glory so it has to be glamorous in His eyes, right? Isn't that what counts? Sometimes God has to give us a tongue lashing for us to pay attention. He has my full attention, what about yours?

Put in My Place.

Being a mother to adopted children is not for the faint at heart. It is glorious and it just plain sucks, all rolled into one. Living overseas is the same. I'd like to say I never want to give up or question what we are doing, what we were thinking. I'd like to say the life I had before doesn't cause me to pause and have an old familiar feeling of lust and desire. I would love to be the Proverbs 31 woman. I would love to be the woman my husband could be proud of, the mother that everyone envies. In my mind, the person I want to be and the person I truly act like bring out the expression, "lost in translation." Before the Christmas break I was feeling run down, useless, longing for home yet defending the decision to move here, thinking I'm alone and not being able to express my thoughts of unrest, boredom and dissatisfaction. Then, my friend shared a blog about obedience and how obedience doesn't always turn out great or feel fun or good. She then questions if it doesn't feel good or doesn't turn out fun, does that mean it's wrong? That we shouldn't have done it? She points out that as Christians, we should do things because they are right in God's eyes, not because they make us feel or gain anything in return. It floored me. Here I have been questioning God about what I'm doing wrong, why am I not gaining fruit when I am giving 100%? What am I doing wrong? Questioning God, my Lord and Savior who made all things possible formed more questions. Uncomfortable ones I wanted to hide from. Do I really believe God is who He says He is? Do I really think He's got it, that He has plans for me, to prosper me? Who do I think I am to question God? Who am I to think my way is better and quicker, easier than His way? Why do I always think I am deserving? Why do I have a self righteous and entitlement attitude? It makes me stop. I'm ashamed. If I really think about it, my answer is this: If I am deserving of rewards for all the good things I do, then what about the bad? I'm way more deserving of the punishments I've never received than the rewards and blessings He has bestowed upon me. Lavished really. I sit here now, in awe that my God loves me. He is merciful, giver of grace, lover of my soul. This realization makes me understand that I am NOT deserving, yet He loves, gives grace, is merciful, guides me, provides for me, and so much more I can't even comprehend. He not only loves me, He pursues me! I pray for myself. I know it's still selfish, but I do. I pray to be more like Him. I pray that when my friends and family look at me that they will see more of Him and less of me. I pray that I will learn to love my husband and kids with an agape love like He loves me. I pray that I may listen to His wisdom, guidance, and will for my life. I pray that His word so fills me with the desire to do His will that all other desires pale in comparison. I am sorry, thankful, joyful, and so many things that don't don't even come close to being enough. I am a Christian. I am a sinner. I am so much more than what I believe I am. I am HIS!

The Roots of Gratitude

Pondering the future always leads me down a (off-the-beaten-path) look at our past. In 2005 Chris and I thought we'd found the place God wanted us to grow old, make a family, and retire. You know, a home, some roots. We fell in love with everything about this little town God brought us to. Little did we know that our dreams would change and our path was taking a huge dive into the wild blue yonder. But, as God is so faithful, He always fulfills his promises "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.Romans 8:28 We ended up meeting this fabulous couple who in turn introduced us to their parents who had-once upon a time-taught overseas in Bangkok, Thailand. Ok, you see where this is going? Great! I could go on and on about the rest of this story, but most of you know it anyway. The point is, that GOD HAD A PLAN! I am so glad we followed it instead of our own. I am so filled with gratitude that He has blessed us with so many gifts, ones we even take for granted. Had we been able to conceive, we would not have been blessed with our first foster child, Elizabeth. If we had stayed in that town, we would not have moved to metro Atlanta where we adopted Hailley and Elijah. We wouldn't have moved to the church where Chris and I became Christians and wouldn't have been led to finally move to Bangkok, Thailand. I guess I could go on and on with the ways that OUR plans and dreams feel so important to us that we forget how GOD'S plans are so much more: bigger, better, awesome. I look back and realize now, as I grow closer to Christ each day, to trust in His will for our lives. His plans, His blessings, His divine timing is the only way. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11. We have loved living here in Thailand. We have had so many adventures, and many more to come for sure. I just say that all the glory is to be given to God, who loves me, who has reigned down His blessings from Heaven on our family and is gracious and merciful enough to call me daughter.

Great Lesson from God

As I sit here on "THE MONSTROSITY" I have so many emotions. It is not the awesome, beige/brown sofa I love to look at in magazines that have my neutral style and clean lines. It is hideous. You see, my journey to this great lesson starts at Ikea when I clap and jump up and down and thank God and my sweet, loving gypsy face of a husband for the awesome three seater sofa with a white slip cover. We couldn't afford the sassy dark brown one or the herringbone patterned one so I had the idea to coffee stain it. Gypsy Face agreed we would save a lot of money if we did this and so off we went. Round #1. I shove the entire slip cover in our newly purchased (but lovingly used) washing machine and throw the brewed coffee in. We sit and wait and check on it like a brand new baby that just came home from the hospital. We have so many questions and doubts....will it be tie dyed....will it wash right out and look like we never did anything.....how long should we leaving it? OK, so after about two hours we bring it out, put it in the drying and voila! NOT!!! Ok, it didn't look bad, but instead of the dark, rich brown I wanted it turned out to be a light cream color. Round #2. I went to the good ol U.S. of A. and brought back a packet of Rit Dye. So excited to make this now light cream sofa into a dark brown, luscious, sofa of my dreams! I mean, it came from the motherland right? It HAD to turn out, right? This great idea had now at this point become a battle. I WOULD make this work. Especially now that I had people ready and willing to see what it looks like. These people who were telling me how clever I was and how I was such a great wife to save money and be so creative. I mean, I had to live up to that right? So, Rit Dye packet goes in the wash, along with the slip cover that was once again shoved in the machine and left for an even longer time. No baby-ish thoughts this time, just plain determination. IT WOULD WORK, IT WOULD WORK, IT HAS TO WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So while I sit in my chair, just knowing that God is going to bless me this time because I have been a cheap, frugal, awesomely crafty wife who will bring the Gypsy Face honor and Glory, my slip cover lays in ruin. We pull it out this time it is no longer the even, cute but undesired color of light cream. It is an awful monstrosity that is multicolored. Where did I go wrong? You people may already have this answer, but not me. I am in the midst of entertaining some friends and I sling my dog Mango in to the arms of a guest and wallow in pity. IT'S RUINED!!!!!!!!!!! Tie dyed brown, red with splotches of purple. I didn't even remember the days of art appreciation where you learn to mix colors. I am incredulous that my beautiful cover and the wonder dye from the good motherland have failed me. I am doomed! Poor Gypsy Face, he tries to make me feel better by telling me that the tie dye matches my personality because I am a long lost hippie. He does not like the wretched witch I have turned into and the face that yells...."THAT IS THE UGLIEST COMPLIMENT YOU HAVE EVER GIVEN ME!!!!!!!!!!!!" Round #3I get black dye from B2S!!! Yay! They have it! So I get ten packs, sure this will do the trick. I mean, it already dyed my clothes and fingers as I dissolve it in the machine. So, hours and hours later, I pull my now tattered and hideous slip cover out of the machine and guess what? NOT! It is now grey/brown. Well, I should say the cushions are that color, while the body is still a mottled brown/red, with grey spots in it. Ok. Distraught, beaten, and a little incredulous, I just leave it on the floor and walk out of the room, up the stairs, and straight into Gypsy Face's arms. Pathetic. I am doomed. The women's group from church is coming, I've spent all the money on this battle, and am left with the embarrassing realization that this is now my couch. People will laugh, they will laugh and say I'm crazy. They will talk about how stupid I was to think I could pull this off. OH, the things they will say. So, after all this drama, I get up and think, I need God. I get out my book study and read all morning about Hezekiah, the king who served the Lord and was successful. The only downfall he had was what?????? You got it....PRIDE. I sit here on this sofa, the hideous monstrosity and and think, wow. I wanted the glory, I wanted to be the crafty wife, I wanted to be the domestic diva, the one who brought my husband respect and honor. Hahaha! God says, you are to serve me and have no other Gods. I am to give HIM the glory, the honor and praise. I had not done that. What happened to the grateful girl who was so thankful that God had provided a sofa? She turned into a selfish, prideful brat! I'm so sorry God, I cried. Please, forgive my selfishness, my greed and my need to be a perfect, clever wife. Please forgive my foolishness and the embarrassment I have caused. But more than that, I promise to keep this sofa as hideous and imperfect as it is to remind me that YOU and YOU ALONE are the only reason I have anything. And once again I am thankful that you showed me and returned my focus to you. I love this couch. I love it's ugliness, it's imperfections, and the ugly lesson that came with it. Thank you for loving me and my ugliness, my imperfections and giving me the grace and mercy I don't deserve.

Reflections on the Wolski's Gypsy Adventure to Thailand

I can't believe we've made it an entire year in Thailand! Wow. It really has been an adventure. We have done and seen so many things and I will never be the same since coming to Bangkok, Thailand. When we sold everything to follow God's will for us I had no idea the road He would take us down. The life's lessons, the fun adventures, the beautiful scenery, new community, new friends, church, school and life among natives in a foreign land is just so mind boggling. But we did it! We all set out wanting to do specific things when we got here and we've done all but one. Elijah and I wanted to ride elephants, Chris wanted to go to the Bridge over the River Kwai and Hailley wanted to ride horses on the beach. We've done all but ride horses on the beach, and if it kills us, that will be the one thing we do next year. Not bad for our first year. The things we didn't expect was to be surrounded and loved by so many. We've had tears, fights, times when we just wanted to pack up and go home but God never says any of this would be easy. He just promises to walk beside us and carry us through it. He has sent us so many wonderful people. Missionaries who have lived here for so long, other teachers who have been through culture shock, and young new teachers who keep us going with their optimistic outlook on life have all been in the right place at the right time. I have never been more sure of anything in my life.....God sent us here and He has a wonderful plan for us. I miss the good ol' U.S. of A. but am appreciating every aspect of living here. Don't get me wrong, there are days when I have to remind myself that I'm here because God is the boss of me. Like when I'm riding down the dirty street on my, by now, old, raggedy, orange bike named Nanny McPhee in 100 degree weather and sweating like a piglet. Or like the time my tire was flat and I rode Elijah's bike to the Pepsi shop in the neighborhood only to twist my ankle and flip over the handlebars in front of all the Thai neighbors. There are other things that I loath here. Having to depend on taxi drivers, loud music/screaming girls with microphones in the malls, having to shop at three different places for groceries and the fact that they don't have a walmart or target. The fact the Pepsi is the preferred drink(Hello? I'm from the ATL and firmly believe that Coke should and will always be everyone's favorite). Poisonous snakes, floods, rabid street dogs and cats that multiply before your very eyes. Paying for drinking water, fish with heads and eyeballs on the menu, and squatty potties. Yuck. I do love how patient and loving most of the Thai people are. How when Elijah ran away, our entire neighborhood, Thai and Farong(that's foreigners) alike got out and looked for hours and held me and Hailley while we cried and prayed for his safety. I love to see the entire families of four and five that fit on a moped. I love how the beauty and the community that is just lost on today's American culture. I love how it really does take a village to raise your kids and how everyone prays and talks about Jesus Christ without shame or fear of offending someone. I love to try and speak Thai and watch the Thai people laugh and try to figure out what I'm saying. I love to buy food or goods from the market and watch entire families come to see what I'm buying and ask what I'm making. I love how Chris has gotten to witness to non christian kids at school and how our kids are surrounded by loving and patient friends. So, as we wind down our first year, I think of all the blessings we have received this year. I praise God and give Him all the glory for leading us here and I pray that next year will be filled with more healing, more love, laughter and great experiences. We have four days until we get on a plane. Four days to squeeze my sister until she pops. I cannot wait to see her smile, laugh until I cry, and be silly like I can with no other person. I can't wait to hold my daddy in my arms and squeeze my crazy mammy. I have missed them all so much and cannot wait to be surrounded by their love. Thanks for all the love, prayers and support of all our friends. We could not have made it without you guys!