I Know Why People Have Midlife Crisis Now

My life is like a cartoon. I've said it a million and one times, and half the time most of you agree with me. Most days I can focus on funny things that happen to me and just crazy, silly or amazing things that happen in my ordinary life. But ordinary life is getting harder. It's been one hell of a summer and the start of this school year is no better. Never did I ever in my life dream I'd grow up and be a mother who is hated by her children. Never did I once say, "Wow, I want my children to be so mean to me, so indifferent, so narcissistic and yet dependent and needy that they suck the life right out of me." Does anyone? Yet that is my reality. Some days I'm really good and hold tight to the truth that God never said it would be easy, but He did promise that He'd be with me. Most days. Most days I feel Him, but I'll be honest yet again. It's getting harder and harder. I remember the girl who was wild and free, who was so passionate and loved fiercely. I remember a girl who could have fun and laugh and who was interested in life and people. But the thing is, when you parent children who abuse you in whatever way, whether it's violence or withdrawing love, manipulation, constant triangulation and you give all of yourself and get nothing in return, it does something to you. It changes you. You are now a different person because you have lived hurt, embarrassment, shame, lies, theft, violence, aggression, loneliness and frustration. And after years of this, you wake up and realize you have given 100% of your life to the wind. You have blown your dreams so that someone else could have theirs, yet they choose not to put forth effort. You realize that somewhere you became broken and that in that brokenness you have lost some pieces that you may never get back. And you realize some parts you picked up that you know don't belong but yet they've gotten tangled in with the mess that was once a beautiful, faucet of shimmering hope. I'm sorry if I'm depressing you, but I vowed to be honest so that when others feel these things they know they aren't alone. The reality is, I am not the same person I was long ago. In so many ways that's good and in some it's so heart-wrenching and sad that I can't bear to think or ponder it. I fear that I might be so changed there may not be hope to come back from this. This. This life that is nowhere near over, this journey that continues to suck the life out of me. I may not be the same person I was years ago, and some may think I am going on into midlife crisis mode. I have to say though that I might not know who I am, what my likes or dislikes are, where or what or who my future holds, but I know without a doubt, WHOSE I am. I know that even in my despair and self pity and sadness and disappointment, Christ has me. I'm His. The disappointment of not having a huge, loving, close family turns into peace that surpasses all understanding because I, myself, have been adopted into a spiritual family so large, spread far and wide. The love I have lavished on my children and never get in return is given tenfold by my Father in Heaven. My strength, my comforter, my rock and my shield. My heart is even quickening while typing this very sentence. I can continue to go down this dark, depressing road and succumb to the cliche midlife crazy train or I can hang on dearly to the fact that my joy truly does come from the Lord, and that the closer I am to Him and the more intimate my relationship with Him, the less I need to receive the love of these children who have nothing to give me. I can rise up and I can shout from the roof tops and I can proclaim that I WILL NOT LET THEM TAKE ME OUT. I will continue to find beauty. I will continue to be happy for my friends. I will praise Jesus over my blessings and I will pour out my love, encouragement and faith. I will pray that His light so shines upon my face that when someone looks at me they see that I AM A JESUS FREAK. I pray that the example of my life, of faith even in the storm, will bring some type of hope and encouragement to a mom who thinks she's crazy. The mom who just can't change one more diaper. The mom who holds her cancer baby close and praises for one more day on earth. I want to encourage the mom who just found out she has cancer. The mom whose body is failing and just doesn't want to move on. The one who doesn't feel appreciated by her husband or children or friends or family. I'm here. You are not alone. I see you and I lift you up and pray that God will pour out His blessings store up in heaven for you and that you will be ready and open to receiving so many of them that you have to say "ok God, Uncle! Uncle! Give me a minute to process all the goodness you have given." God Bless you and may the cartoon continue.

I DON'T HATE MOTHER'S DAY!

I'm just getting to the point I can write this. I appreciate so many of your loving, encouraging words on this Mother's Day past. I know I am blessed, beyond words, with friends who love and support me and a husband who thinks the world of me and wishes this day would be better for me. This day is not always a happy day for many, but I saw something posted on Facebook that made me pause. Some people boycott this day. Some people hate this day. And some people say hurtful things to cover up the fact this day is a disappointment. I don't want that to be my message, therefore I had to write this post. Mother's Day an emotional day. If I had to describe the Mother's Day emotion it would be REGRET. It starts out with my own mother, who I treated very poorly. I regret those days and would give anything to go back and treat her with the love and respect she deserves. You can never take back words or actions that were meant to hurt. You can say sorry and beg forgiveness, but the regret will always be there. Sometimes that regret is overwhelming and I cannot even contemplate what I will have to answer to in heaven. I love her fiercely and wish she could see inside my heart how much I love her. Mother's Day is also a reminder of the child I lost in 2006. I didn't really mourn the loss then and it was really hard to explain to people how it felt like an out of body experience. I have mourned over the last ten years on different occasions. I wonder who he would have looked like. I wonder if he would be smart like his father and funny like me. I wonder who he'd be, what struggles he would have and if he would love Jesus. I mourn the month of February, because I know that he would have been born on my birthday, like I was born on my grandfather's birthday. I mourn that I couldn't give my husband the one connection that most all adoptees agree is very important and life changing. I mourn not getting to watch my Gypsy, the love of my life, teach and coach and lead my son into greatness. I mourn what would have been. The only thing more certain is that I will mourn him until my last breath. (I say him because I know in my heart it was a boy). Mother's Day is also regret because even though I have two adopted kids, they had to go through trauma and sorrow to become mine. Some mother out there made terrible choices and now I have her babies. It makes me conflicted, and I know if I"M conflicted, THEY TOO, are conflicted. Do I mourn the life of this mother, who abused her babies and treated them so poorly they were taken away? Do I feel sad for her? What life must she have lived to not be able to love her children and neglect them until their brains were not fully formed and they may never recover? The regret for me is that I do mourn for her. I regret she didn't have a better life, or a greater respect for the life of her children. I agonize over the fact that she didn't get to participate in the fun things that bring her children joy. I feel anger toward her when my children can't do the normal, healthy things other kids do because of her bad choices. So many consequences from just one person. I think of her often and wish she knew how much these babies deserved love and kindness and health, and happiness. I wish she knew how much they needed her. I wish, and I can't fix. It makes me sad, angry, and regretful. So, while some of you understand my feelings, some of you have no idea. I just wanted to say that many of my friends are mothers, and I have prayed for their pregnancies, births, and children. I love you all, respect you immensely and celebrate you with fanfare. I do not begrudge anyone a fabulous celebration, it just worked a WHOLE LOT BETTER for our family to just skip this celebration altogether. Love to you all, Staci

Women of Faith was AMAZING!

The Gypsy and my sister, or Nishy as I lovingly refer to her as, surprised me and got Women of Faith tickets. I have been wanting to go and it was their farewell tour, so this was my last chance! Needless to say I was so excited! Nishy and I met down at the Crown Plaza and got an amazing room with a city view. We taxied to the Philips Arena and were blown away on our first night. The worship team was awesome, and I got to participate in an amazing conference. Now, some people might have thought that it wasn't even a fraction of what it was in previous years since they talked about their favorite times of seasons past. Let me tell you, I felt so privileged to be a part of something that has been so special for so many years, even if it was my first and last time ever. Other than the music, worshiping and getting to be in the same room with so many believers, so many ages, different races, cultures, backgrounds, and hearing and seeing tears and the great Almighty Holy Spirit in that arena, I will tell you what I came away with: !. I want more. I want to live my life as if every day is my last. I want to live for Jesus and not apologize. I want to be better. I want to be a part of His kingdom when it's all said and done. I love Jesus. I love being a part of a large group of women who love Jesus too. I don't want to be anything different than His. 2. I want to run in my own lane. I want to glorify God with the gifts he gave ME. I want to live in the moment, stop the comparisons with other women and their gifts that steals my joy and robs me of peace. I want to be me. I am who He says I am. He is who He says He is. His promises are true. He will never leave me or forsake me. No matter what, I am His. I am the daughter of the true king. And this king pursues ME. 3. We all have ugly. We are all capable of any thing and any feeling and any action at any time or any place. We need to remember to renew our minds daily, sometimes hourly. This world is hard and that's why we need Jesus. I don't know how people do it without Him. But I know that through Him I can do all things. Not some things, not just the easy things, but ALL things. Even hard things. 4. I think women need a verbal spanking, me included. We all say we want something more, something deep and something meaningful, but when the time comes, we hide or just plain give up. Not following through is leaving me feeling empty. I want more, then more is expected of me. That might not sit well with some, but there it is. If you want fellowship and community, you have to show up and be a willing participant. It takes a village. Be mentored, mentor someone. Meet with someone once or twice a week and pray and just talk through life. We need those friendships that will see us through life's ups and downs and hard times and celebrations and heart squishingly wonderful times as well. 5. More than anything, I am loved. I know I get overwhelmed and can get bogged down with self pity, but when I stop and think about it I cannot believe how loved I am. First, God has loved me and called me to Him. He pursues me. He gives me grace and mercy and blessings beyond belief. I blessed with a family who loves me, my crazy ways and actually seeks out my crazy because my gifts are encouragement and laughter. I have no idea what to do with those gifts, but that's what He gave me and I'm so glad people love me because of it. There are so many more things that I loved about the weekend, but most of all I got to experience the tail end of something beautiful. I got to say I have been to Women of Faith and to see and hear some wonderful women and soak up their wisdom. I wait in anticipation for what God has in store for these women, and plan to read everything I can find on each one of them. I am thankful for a husband/gypsy who knows what my heart needs and will go to the ends of the earth to get it for me. I am filled with gratitude for a sister/Nishy who will go on fun adventures with me, laugh, cry, and dance and sing our hearts out and who is a very part of my heart and soul. I am grateful. I am loved! And so are YOU!

My Cartoon Life

I was so sad to see my friends off to Thailand this morning, but filled with gratitude to be able to continue our friendship this side of the world. Some of the most Godly, Christ filled people we've ever met and such an inspiration to our whole family. That being said, I came straight home after dropping them off at the airport and slept for around two hours. When I woke up I thought to myself how cold I was (Thailand boil your face off heat has not left my bones yet). I was already dressed in fancy fleece lined leggings for fat ladies and a long shirt. Instead of my cute, fabulous Ugg boots I got for a whopping 14 bucks at the Goodwill house, I quickly threw on my tennis shoes and my B&E robber mask to walk the dogs. Picture how fabulous this is on a larger than life lady. I kept wondering why people were slowing down to look at me. Anyway, we finally got home and my bird was waiting outside for me. He had earned going to the game with the Gypsy and was super excited. So, instead of doing the RIGHT thing and changing into proper clothes, I said, "LET'S GO!" It is very rare this bird earns fun things so I was super excited for him. I didn't even think twice. So, on the way home, I decide I want pesto and cream cheese grilled cheese sandwiches and we need bread. HHHmmmm, forgetting what I have on, I run into Big Lots and quickly get bread. Then, in my excitement of having a night by myself, I decided to get a chocolate bar with hazelnuts. Yes, the fat lady was indulging. So, as I'm putting my bread on the counter to check out, I see the candy bars are on sale! I lean over to get one and THEY ALL FALL OFF THE SHELF!!!!!!!!!!!! So now, I'm on the floor, trying to pick them all up and they keep falling. I look up because now I've wallered (the country version of wallowed) all over the floor in Big Lots wrestling with a bunch of candy bars and find the check out lady laughing. I'm not talking about a giggle, smirk or just a chuckle. She was full out laughing so hard no sound was coming out. I finally pull myself up from the floor using my buggy and tell her, "now that I just got my exercise in I am DEFINITELY buying a candy bar!" So, there's no moral to this story. Maybe there should be, like, don't wear fat lady leggings with tennis shoes and maybe I shouldn't have bought that candy bar, but nope. Just wanted others to share in my ridiculous, hilarious, absurd life.

My Apologies Please

I'm sitting here quietly while my son is taking a bath and my daughter is slaving away at open house with my Gypsy, cleaning and running errands just so she can get some daddy time. I'm so overwhelmed, as many of us are right before school starts. In between thinking about where money for school clothes and shoes will come from, our 18 year anniversary (yeah baby and man we're old), and my baby girl's 17th birthday, I sit here trying to contemplate this nagging in my heart. See, I used to be a parapro for special needs, and I used to be one of those snarky people who used to judge others. I admit it. I confess. I used to wonder why in the world they-those moms- wanted school to hurry up and start, or why in the world their child acted the way they did, and just why in the world did they look like they were at the end of their rope? I mean, I would give anything (at that time, way back when) to have a child and couldn't they see they were lucky? As providence would have it, I became one of those mothers. I am now the mother who, although, loves her kids, CANNOT WAIT FOR SCHOOL TO START!!! I love my birds, I do. But we've had a rough year, and summer. We have gone through an expulsion, worldwide move, a suicide attempt, a teen pregnancy attempt, two moves in 6 months, two new jobs and a partridge in a pear tree. We've also gone through many blessings, heartaches and laughing/tears moments. We are ALL ready for forgiveness, grace and mercy, not only from God, our awesome, heavenly father, but from each other. So as I sit here, contemplating all that we've gone through, it pains me to remember that judgmental, naive woman I was, who had no clue that there are mothers out there doing the best they can and that they absolutely need that break and more importantly, instead of my snarky comments and judgment, they needed a hug, an "I got ya girlfriend" or you know what, he/she is not doing so bad and you are a great mom, even though you don't feel like it. That's what they need. So, as I sit here, looking at this stupid crystal gel nail that won't come off even with industrial strength acetone, I have to say I'm sorry. I am humbled and hope that I have grown in heart and spirit enough to know that I was wrong, and pray that if I ever made anyone feel judged, they find it in their hearts to forgive. I hope and pray that so many moms out there get the rest they need. I pray my teacher friends, my teacher moms and dads, all have a blessed year, cooperative parents, and that God blesses each and every one of you.

Gratitude for a Gypsy on Mother's Day

Mother's Day. Not too many years ago this was the worst day of the year. I remember sitting in church having everyone being honored and feeling like I'm wearing a BIG FAT F for FAILURE. Wondering, waiting and hoping that someday it will be me. 6 years later, it's still pretty awful. Although I sit there feeling the same F for FAILURE, it's for a different reason. Infertility, adoption, finding out our children have RAD. Yeah, Yeah, all that stuff. Our children didn't bond to me, are still choosing not to have a deep relationship. This post isn't about that. This post is a letter to a Gypsy, who loves me like Christ loves His church, who leads our family like no man I know, and who gives 100% from sun up to sun down. This man I love, who tells me I'm the most beautiful mother, most fun mom, the most wonderful---anything. The man who hugs me when my child tells her secrets to anyone else instead of me. The man who tells me I'm beautiful when my daughter makes comments about my weight. Who encourages me when I've planned a special night and it gets ruined by my son's tantrum. The man who defends my honor when my child tells me to "eff off." The man who holds me when I still cry at commercials of happy families, and who squeezes my hand in silent understanding when I've made a favorite meal that's not appreciated and left sitting on the table, uneaten. You are the biggest blessing and I want you to know you have the utmost respect this woman can give. I love your kindness, thoughtfulness, generous, hardworking, dedicated, loyal and every top notch character trait there is. I love you. You are amazing. For Mother's Day this year, I thank you for acknowledging me when our children couldn't care less, for telling me everything I need to hear, and for giving me courage and love to make it through this thing called motherhood. I would never want to live this crazy life without you and I want you to know I see, recognize and appreciate everything you do and are for me and our birds. You know when all those people asked if I was going with you to Thailand? I would follow you to the ends of the Earth and live in a cardboard box to be with you. I love the adventure that God has us on and I want you to know that while we may not celebrate me being a mother this weekend, you are the only gift I need. Now and forever. I am grateful to you, my Gypsy Face.

Forgiveness

When I'm getting ready is when I talk to Jesus the most. This morning, the questions on forgiveness, grace and mercy are still there. Something happened one day, long ago that still makes me wonder. I was working at an elementary school as a teacher's aid and my teacher and I were discussing my infertility and our decision to adopt. She pointed out another teacher's aid and said, "that girl, over there? If she can have children anyone can. She was awful in high school and if God can bless her you don't have anything to worry about." This woman had no idea that what I did in high school and college probably made this girl look like a saint. I coldly told her that if we were all judged on what we did in high school that we'd all already be in hell. I was floored, and granted, my response could have been more gentle, but as we all know, gentleness is not my strong point. This leads me to the question, what DO I believe about forgiveness, grace and mercy? I saw this thing on Pinterest, that says: Grace is when you get the good things you don't deserve mercy is when you're spared from the bad things you do deserve God is generous with both. Wow. What an awesome thing to behold. Ponder. So let's start with Mercy. I believe that God has given me serious consequences for some things. I do, seriously believe that He loves me, wants the best for me and wants to bless me so much. But like every good father, He knows that if I don't get correction, that I'll never learn and that I have to depend on Him at ALL times. He is merciful. If I was punished for every sin, every bad thought that led me to gossip, every covetous, lustful or hateful and angry thing that led me to sin, I would've given up long ago. My life isn't always full of fun, laughter and dripping with glittery awesomeness. Matter of fact it is often hard, sad, disappointing. But looking at what mercy God has chosen to show me leads me to think about His grace. I have so many things to be thankful for. I'm thankful God has chosen to be merciful, to grace me with so many blessings and the faith to know that when my life is a disappointment, or things don't go my way, that maybe He has something far more wonderful in store for me. One of the best things I ever learned to do was journal every day. I can look back to 2007 and go through page after page of things that didn't go my way, but went God's way and was so much more fulfilling. I can look back to answered prayers and to unanswered prayers. To struggles I have gone through to lead me closer to Christ. Those pages are filled with evidence of His love, mercy and grace. So what do you believe? Are you still walking around filled with shame or pointing fingers and holding others' past sin over their heads? Or do you practice living in the freedom He's granted us by grace and mercy?

Looking Back

Wow. I just realized it has been one month today that we were waiting at the airport with all our belongings, two kids, two dogs and some faithful friends who loved us through the whole shebang. Sitting here, I am AMAZED at all that has happened in two months. Really, 6 weeks ago my sweet Gypsy was looking for jobs in the U.S.A. so we could come back and get our bird some help. He applied to everything in the free world and then we prayed for ONE ANSWER! And of course, as faithful and fun as God is, He completely surprised us with that one answer. I'm flashing back over 7 years ago when I said I'd never move to Thailand and that is EXACTLY where He sent us when I realize Dr. Chris Wolski said he'd never teach middle school. Guess where he is? Guess what he loves? I'm telling you, God can use everything for His good purpose. Here we are in Atlanta and now that we have had time to breathe, I realize so many things that came out of this awful time has really made my faith stronger and has allowed me to see God's hand in it all. The most amazing things I am focusing on is that I have friends who came over and cleaned, bought, priced and sold everything I owned in two weeks. I had friends who came and made pricing lists, cleaned, rolled all four of our clothes and prayed and cried with me. I had friends make meals and bring them or invite us to their homes so we could take a break. We had friends take us to the airport and wait for us to be denied flight because of improper paperwork and then do it all again the next night. I'm telling you, saying goodbye to that community was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But boy did it teach me what love is. Coming here was so scary, and I can't tell you how many times I've bowed and wai'd the Walmart greeters or hostess at the restaurant and how hard it is to drive again after riding in a taxi on the "wrong side" of the road. Starting all over again after doing it 2 1/2 years ago was even more nerve wracking but it showed me how far the Gypsy and I've come in our faith that we'd just trust in Him to make it all happen. Thanks to yet more amazing friends and family on this side of the world, we now have an apartment, furniture and a car. I mean, it's so weird to know how loved and how much people really do care. I think before all of this I would never have even noticed, been able to accept or even think of leaning on friends or family for all we've had to. God is amazing. He really is faithful and my faith has grown tenfold over this experience. Yet as you all know, it hasn't been perfect. We haven't gotten everything we want, and we've had some pretty rough patches in the month that we've been back. But to all those who've helped, offered to help and will help in the future, thank you. Thank you for showing us that there can be community here in America. There can be people who reach out and that we aren't as alone as we thought we'd be. Praise God for all the blessings He's bestowed and for those who've made our transition back to America a good one. He's blessed us with you all and hopefully, the Gypsy and I will be able to bless someone in return.

Adventures Turned Upside Down

Some of you know there is something wrong and some of you know bits and pieces. Before I give all the guts of our situation I give a warning, it's brutally honest and not an ounce of pretty. Anyone who knows our family, knows we struggled with infertility and after fostering, adopted our children in 2009. We've had our baby birds for almost 6 years and I can't even imagine what our life was like without them. It has been so hard, emotional, gut wrenching, disappointments galore, frustrations abound, and yet it has also been silly, fun, inspiring, passionate, and more than a bit on the ridiculous. The Gypsy and I have learned so much about life and love and perseverance in these five and a half years. Nothing about our lives have ever been "normal." That being said, you all know we came to Thailand two and a half years ago for Chris to teach in an international Christian school and for us to work in the missions. Let me state, for the record, it is hard to live here, but the community is amazing, uplifting, supportive and have become family. We have an amazing student ministries lead by the most wonderful woman who loves kids and truly wants to see them grow spiritually. My birds have been exposed to so many wonderful things. They are international travelers, they've gone on service projects where they help serve slum kids and elderly who are living in poverty. They have helped at orphanages and bagged rice and fish for the people who lost their homes in the flood. They have traveled to some of the most beautiful beaches and have seen wild monkeys and exotic animals from the land of Thai. We've even ridden an elephant through the tropics. All the adventures and love we've poured into those birds and yet, it's come to this awful place. See, sometimes love isn't enough. When someone chooses not to heal from being broken, hurt and scarred, what do you do? We are left with this question and have no answer. My son has been expelled from school. There, I've said it. Some of you are rolling your eyes and saying I'm so dramatic, but the truth is, this means so much more for us than just him not going to school. It started last year around after Christmas. Defiance, rude behaviors, door slamming, eye rolling.....you know, normal teenager behavior. Then, in May, it took a turn for the worst. He became physically threatening and would act like he was going to hit any one of us at any moment when told no or not getting his way. The summer came and we started with a new therapist and began intensive therapy three times a week and got a new psychiatrist with new medications. One summer night the violence escalated in the bathroom downstairs where the Gypsy contained him so he couldn't get to the kitchen and get knives, which he was threatening to do. After about an hour of trying to talk him down he was wrestled to the kitchen floor and prayed over, the only thing that allowed him to calm down and cry out his fight. Therapist came out to our house and we, as a family, made a new contract with this baby bird that told him which behaviors were consequence-able and which ones were call the police-able. He agreed with these consequences and it seemed to work for a while. When school started he had to be pulled from regular 7th grade classes and put in small group because he was constantly resisting and lying about doing homework, falling behind and having trouble. This seemed to take a lot of pressure off him and he was doing well in small group. He was also doing well enough to make the basketball team and take pride in being a part of things. We thought life was looking up. Even though the normal teenager like things were still happening, the violence and disrespect had gone. Then, the stealing started. Yes, please, allow me to remind you at this point that I already told you this was brutally honest and not pretty. At all. Not easy to read? Well, imagine me, mamma bird, typing this all out. No, not pretty. I won't go into all the details of the stealing, let's just say that it's bad. So bad he got expelled after paying back (well, us paying it back ) and apologizing and having another contract and breaking it over and over. Now, what shall we do? There is no juvenile detention in Thailand. Thai prison. Forever. So, if we stay here in Thailand, my son has no school to go to and will have no where to go. We've looked into boys' homes in the states but guess what? Missionaries don't have 60,000$ laying around for boys who get kicked out of school! Most homes require a lot of money and we just don't have it. We've looked into so many places that all require us to live in the U.S. Department of Family and Children Services won't help us because we don't live in the U.S. and quite frankly, to them we have been a successful adoption for five and a half years, so why would they help us? So, we are stuck my friends, between a rock and a hard place. As much as my child is loved, we have no idea what to do with him. No such thing as alternative school here. So, come two days from now my Gypsy and one bird will be going to school and the violent bird and I get to stay home. So, I will be saying no to a lot of projects, I will break commitments to people and I will be heavily burdened. So, when you see us, know we've been and are going through hell. We love our birds. Just love us, and keep judgments at home, or at least behind closed doors because quite frankly, I don't care. All I care about is my family, getting my birds help and lifting my Gypsy up as he's held me in all these months. And seriously, I know some of you may wonder if we are questioning our faith and the answer is, no. Our faith is so much stronger and I know that Holy Spirit has been with us through all of this. I mean, we are all alive, right? We're waiting on God's divine timing and His answer to our questions in all this. It's hard, but we're clinging to the hope we have in Jesus and bending our will to His. Prayers, we could use them. Help. If anyone knows of a boys' home or some type of agency that would be willing to work with missionaries who live over seas, please send us information. If anyone's church would like to support us, raise money or send letters and prayer. These are the things we need. Thanks to all my friends and family who have supported us through these hard times. We have certainly been blessed with wonderful friends who have walked this walk with us, an amazing school that has gone above and beyond to help our family, and friends all over the world praying. We feel the love.

It's so easy to get bogged down with the awful day to day pitfalls. I often get caught up in all the things that need to be done, need improvement, or have to be fixed. I am a doer. I like to have lists and cross things off the list. If I am at the grocery store and I grab something off the list, I write it down , just so I can cross it off. Yeah, I'm that crazy. I have also tried organizing my list and ended up doing none of that list because I spent all my time organizing and trying to figure out the most efficient way to check that list off. At some point over the last week, I have realized that in all these rush around, list making, scratching off, organizing days, that I'm trying to control my life. I have not been listening to God. I have been talking his ear off and not listening to anything. How can you listen when you're talking? How can you be obedient when you can't hear direction? I KNOW God is in control. I KNOW His plan is better. I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW!!!! So why do I always get back into the habit of scratching off or controlling and raging? Because I'm also impatient. I never realized how bad Americans are at wanting what we want, when we want it. Right now. Instant gratification. It wasn't until I moved to Thailand that it became a realization. I want things right now. I want a peaceful, fun, life. I want my children to heal, behave and make fabulous grades and be superstar athletes. I want to save a lot of money. I want to be a size 8. I want, I want, I want. In the midst of bad grades, bad attitudes, broken vacuums, no money and tight pants, I hear a voice. This whisper is saying, "Be still, and know I am God." "Come to me, you are weary." "Rest." It gives me peace. I know He's got it. He's got the finances. He's got my kids. He's got the Gypsy and He's got everything. HE is so much bigger. So much better than any list, and the transformation we're taking to get there may not be pretty, but His plan for us is beautiful. I am so thankful that I can put my trust in him and that His plan for me is to prosper me and give me a hope and a future. As good as scratching that item off the list is, it's way better to know God loves me. To know that I can take all my worries to the cross and lay it all at the feet of Jesus. He loves me, even when I'm ugly. I can lay all my anger, disappointment, questions, controlling behaviors at His feet and HE still loves me. I am so glad that when I want to give up, want to run away, wonder what in the world I was thinking, or harbor hate in my heart, he still whispers to me. I am so glad HE doesn't run away, wonder what in the world he was thinking when he made me, or hate me for not obeying and just being plain awful. Thanks God. As I sit here frustrated with life, mad at the world, life's circumstances, and the lack of understanding from most people, I give it up to God and realize I don't have to control anything. I hope and pray that any of you going through tough times, who feel like giving up, who feel lost, may find hope in Jesus Christ. I pray you have a community that loves you, surrounds you, helps you, even when they don't understand. I pray for kind words, friends who love you through it all and people who bring you closer to God. This crazy girl loves you all and I hope that I can encourage you and pray for you in any way I can. Feel free to send me any prayer requests!

Sister Adventures! Whoot whoot!

MY SISTER CAME TO TOWN! First of all, let me tell you what a blessing it was for her to be able to come. It is not easy to leave responsibilities, jobs, bills, animals and friends and pay a fortune to fly halfway around the world to see your sister. I can only say thank you to my fabulous brother-in-law, Philip and to the secret angel God sent to help my sister afford the flight over. And when I tell you it's a secret, I mean, if I could, I would shout his name with praise from the roof tops in Thailand and tell everyone how gracious I am to the fabulously, generous, kind, loving, selfless man who gave freely. I love your guts out you private angel! So, my sister gets here and I take her to Chatuchuk, the world's largest outdoor market. After running around buying things for everyone else, we almost die of heatstroke because it's 850,000 degrees outside. If you could have seen all the Thai and foreigners looking as we lay on the dirty sidewalk drinking freshly squeezed orange juice, your mouth would have gaped open in astonishment too. The next day we fly off to Krabi to show her the beauteousness of the beaches in Thailand. We were so happy we were going to be able to show her Bangkok AND Krabi! It rained every day, but to two girls from South GA who are filled with excitement and so blessed to be seeing each other, what is rain, right? We rode elephants in the rain and of course, I had the mamma with a naughty baby tied to her. Fitting, since I'm riding with MY naughty baby while the other baby rides with Aunt Nikki and the poor Gypsy has to ride by himself. As we got over being scared, I looked around and am so amazed at how people live in the jungle and ride elephants. I saw, even through the rain, the beauty of palm trees against a backdrop of mountains so green it looks like a fake movie. As I hear my sister squeal with glee and Hailley laugh at her squealing with glee, the naughty baby got naughtier. She decided to flop around in the mud while mamma slips and slides down the hills. She then proceeded to lead the whole procession of very large elephants toward a lake. As she dove right in and all other elephants started to follow I start screeching in my pitiful Thai, "I'm scared, I'm finished, I'm scared!" So, everything stops and miss naughty baby got out. Whew. I mean, I've got a set of lungs! Our next adventure was the five Island tour. I have no idea what the Islands were because we never made it. It rained so hard and the waves were so bad the captain took us to a little resort and we had a cookout. Do you think this bothered us? NO WAY! We laughed and had the best time! We ate our first fish with hua (heads) on them and laughed hysterically about how we almost died in the 5 food waves. Our next adventure was the ATV and BB gun shooting. What? You can take the girl out of the country but you can't take the country out of the girl! It was amazing. I think it was the funnest thing we did all week! My Gypsy, even though he's from the south, had his first day of mud slinging, speed racing, fun! It was so awesome. I think he and Nikki had more fun than me and the baby birds all together. And who knew the rain would be the biggest blessing on that particular outing? There were times of beach going and wandering up and down the strip, bargaining and getting things that were "large size for you madame!" We got beat up several times by the waves and almost blown away by monsoon rainfall. The funnest time was sitting in Krabi, Thailand with my family and my sister, my fun fink face, having porch time and laughing and talking about old times. I tell you, her visit was a blessing and food for my soul. It is the hardest thing to do watching a part of your heart walk away and get on a plane. But I'm telling you, it was the best visit ever and I'm so blessed, so filled with joy and gratitude for my sister, her visit, our crazy times together and to squeeze her guts out. Thanks to all who made this adventure possible for us. May God bless your pants off!

Ugly Words Made Beautiful

Transformation. Obedience. When I think of those words, I have an intrinsic negative reaction. My body tenses, I clench my teeth, my eyes narrow. It's not until I hear, "What's wrong, you're making a face," that I realize it. As this year comes to an end I realize those words have followed me all year, whether with my kids, my friends or myself. No one likes to obey. No one likes to be transformed. It means change. Who likes that? I realize that I have been fighting God all year long. I tried holding onto things that He was whispering to give up. I kept thinking I was hearing Him tell me things in the words others spoke, not realizing it put me farther and farther away from Him. I was disobeying. I didn't give up Thai lessons when He said to. I kept going. I'll give it up when I finish module one. I'm not a quitter. I'll be a failure if I don't do well. I won't be able to communicate and help my family. Other people will judge. On and on the excuses. I realize this is Satan's way of getting you to disobey. He's so cunning. He's manipulative, beautiful, easy, and full of answers to get you on his side. It's only in learning to stop that I realize who I was following. In my Women's group we're learning how to walk with God. In the book, Walking With God John Eldredge talks about how he not only asks God about EVERYTHING, but he listens. And then he doesn't stop there. He asks more questions. As I learn to do this I am learning how to hear God. It's hard. It's not easy. John points out that sometimes we don't want to ask God what His will is because then it would come down to whether we obey or not. What I've found is that when you do bend your will to God's, another ugly word comes along. Transformation. It sounds ugly and sometimes even looks ugly. It's hard. It brings tears. It bring heartache. It also brings faith, love, joy, tender moments, growth, happiness, blessings and so many more things than we could ever imagine. I've seen it in my friends, whose daughter just left for college while they've decided to move to another country and start over again. I've seen it in another neighbor whose first born will move to middle school next year as she gives birth to her fourth child. I see it in several friends who are sick and having to lean on pure faith and not their own understanding. I see it in my friend who is awaiting not one, but TWO of her children to come home from college in two weeks. And I see it in my husband who has played basketball his entire life and was told he can no longer play because he needs a hip replacement at 44years. I've seen newlyweds, people lose their jobs, people change jobs, lose friends, get left out etc. And yet, it all brings about this wonderful transformation that is all part of God's plan. He never said I'll give you roses and unicorns and rainbows. Sometimes he gives you lemons. Sometimes you have to make those lemons into lemonade, and when that doesn't work, a margarita. It has been a hard year, but it has also been a fun year. I've learned that sometimes to reach the beautiful results of transformation, you HAVE to obey. So, grab your lemonade and for some, your margaritas and let's see where God's plan for us leads!

In a Funk

I'm in a funk. Here it is, about to be St. Patty's Day, soon to be Good Friday and Easter. Around all the planning and watching everyone get ready and giving up for Lent, it seems I get more and more depressed. As hard as I try I just can't seem to get out of my funk. I've read the Proverbs 31 blog and the finding joy blog and all the other blogs about God's grace and mercy and forgiveness and I still am feeling loss. It all seems to come at once. The fact I haven't spoken to my parents in months (because they rarely skype and I'm busy) or the fact we are not making the 24 hour flight home this summer, and my child is about to be on academic probation and I dropped my cherished crockpot today and I literally got hit head on by a car while riding my moped yesterday;all of those things feel overwhelming. What feels most overwhelming is how I got jipped. When I had my miscarriage many moons ago I couldn't cry. I have never sat down and had a good cry. It is in these moments of day to day realizing that I never got to hold my Hailley and put bows in her hair or buy her the ridiculously frilly dresses with tutus on it or tell her she is a princess or mold her into a secure, strong daughter of God that I realize I'm mourning. When I realize Elijah never got to play swords or camp out in tents in the living room with friends or wear superman P.J.s or under wear and sing silly children's choir songs, I feel jipped. The sad part is, at 15 and 13, I still get jipped. When I hear other moms talking about their kids experiencing normal, day to day teenage things like going to the mall and hanging out with friends or watching movies and having sleep overs, once again, I get jipped. Watching other moms get pregnant over and over and the blessings that are poured out on them, well, it hurts. It puts me in a funk. I feel loss. I will never stop yearning for that child, that baby. Yet I know in the depths of this sorrow and longing for what might never be, that God has a plan. I keep my faith because I know that His hope is my strength. I know that God wants me to have joy. He never promised this life would be full of fun times and laughter. And in the book study I'm reading it points out that many of us believe that because God is love and is a loving God that He promises us a good life. When we get in funks or feel jipped in life, we blame God because it doesn't look like what WE had planned. It's hard. It's tough. Sometimes there is lack. I am realizing that these things are true in the tough times because I am focusing on myself and the lack in my life. The lack isn't about not having an old navy in Thailand or not being able to shop in Publix or Kroger. It's not about having to pay $118 for tennis shoes that would cost me $60 in the U.S. or $10 for a box of cereal or having no car. The lack is because I'm not allowing God to fill my empty spaces. I am not content. I am not focusing on Him and all He's done for me. Does pointing all this out make my funk go away? No. It doesn't. But it makes me pause and once again thank God He blesses me far more than I deserve. I am rerouting my train of thought, my funk is slowing down but not gone. Galations 6:9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Becoming my favorite verse. Do not give up, do not become weary. I feel God cheering me on, and it feels good.

Eating Crow in the Adventurous Thailand

I'm so full of many different emotions right now it will be hard to write this post. When Chris and I began the prayers of God's will for our lives and moving overseas it took four years. Four years for an answer. But when we were ready for it, we got it right away. I felt it like a sonic boom and so did Chris. We were so excited and on fire to move to Thailand and do God's will for our lives! When I look back I cannot believe we gave up our entire lives to come here and start over It allows Chris to spread the word to those in his classroom, to be free of the restrictions of the public classroom--in the land of the free! People said we were crazy, people said when asked, I would have said no. I asked again, not quite sure I heard, but they affirmed, they would have told God no. They said they would let their husband go and fly back and forth but they would not leave America! Well, let me tell you, I was indignant. I could not believe how many people said that very statement to Chris and I both. It was a shock to know how many of our Christian friends said they would have told God no. I sound like I'm pointing fingers, but please, bear with me. I am not even close to being innocent. We get to Thailand and there are hundreds of ministries to get involved in. I was so confused and began to pray for what God wanted ME to get involved in. Would it be the prison ministry, the sex slave trade ministry, the ministry for orphans, elderly, etc. It seems like everyone is in need here and they are all terrific, very worthy ministries. But my answer kept coming back, "your family is your ministry." Ok, so those of you who really know me that I have always been bossy, energetic, very social and wanting to jump right in and help others. So, while other mothers asked and kind of scoffed when I said that my kids were my ministry "right now" and that I was still praying about which ministry I was going to get involved in, I kept praying for God to show me and reveal to me which ministry I was going to involve myself in. It finally hit me after a year and a half....HELLO! I'm ignoring God! I'm telling God no. Being the mother and having your family as your ministry is not glamorous. It never is recognized. It's not a job that gets appreciated and in fact my son continues to tell me he doesn't think I am capable of doing anything but cooking and bathing. My daughter is afraid that I will not be able to get them anywhere on time when their father is out of town. So, what happens when God calls you to do something and you don't like it? Does that mean you don't do it? Does that mean you keep ignoring it and then one day you will get what you want, a glamorous job with total recognition? I mean, who am I really living for, ME OR GOD? Whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. 1 Corinthians 10:31. So, now that I've eaten crow and realized what I'm doing, what in the world am I going to do about it? I don't have the answers but prayers would surely be nice. Being the mother of two adopted children who have attachment disorder and have not bonded with their mother is hard. NOT glamorous. But I love them so much, and more than that, I love God more than anything and want to follow His will and guidance for my life. What will YOU do? Will you tell God no or ignore Him if He doesn't call you to do something awesome or glamorous? It may not be to you but everything He has in store for us to Him, is for His glory so it has to be glamorous in His eyes, right? Isn't that what counts? Sometimes God has to give us a tongue lashing for us to pay attention. He has my full attention, what about yours?

Put in My Place.

Being a mother to adopted children is not for the faint at heart. It is glorious and it just plain sucks, all rolled into one. Living overseas is the same. I'd like to say I never want to give up or question what we are doing, what we were thinking. I'd like to say the life I had before doesn't cause me to pause and have an old familiar feeling of lust and desire. I would love to be the Proverbs 31 woman. I would love to be the woman my husband could be proud of, the mother that everyone envies. In my mind, the person I want to be and the person I truly act like bring out the expression, "lost in translation." Before the Christmas break I was feeling run down, useless, longing for home yet defending the decision to move here, thinking I'm alone and not being able to express my thoughts of unrest, boredom and dissatisfaction. Then, my friend shared a blog about obedience and how obedience doesn't always turn out great or feel fun or good. She then questions if it doesn't feel good or doesn't turn out fun, does that mean it's wrong? That we shouldn't have done it? She points out that as Christians, we should do things because they are right in God's eyes, not because they make us feel or gain anything in return. It floored me. Here I have been questioning God about what I'm doing wrong, why am I not gaining fruit when I am giving 100%? What am I doing wrong? Questioning God, my Lord and Savior who made all things possible formed more questions. Uncomfortable ones I wanted to hide from. Do I really believe God is who He says He is? Do I really think He's got it, that He has plans for me, to prosper me? Who do I think I am to question God? Who am I to think my way is better and quicker, easier than His way? Why do I always think I am deserving? Why do I have a self righteous and entitlement attitude? It makes me stop. I'm ashamed. If I really think about it, my answer is this: If I am deserving of rewards for all the good things I do, then what about the bad? I'm way more deserving of the punishments I've never received than the rewards and blessings He has bestowed upon me. Lavished really. I sit here now, in awe that my God loves me. He is merciful, giver of grace, lover of my soul. This realization makes me understand that I am NOT deserving, yet He loves, gives grace, is merciful, guides me, provides for me, and so much more I can't even comprehend. He not only loves me, He pursues me! I pray for myself. I know it's still selfish, but I do. I pray to be more like Him. I pray that when my friends and family look at me that they will see more of Him and less of me. I pray that I will learn to love my husband and kids with an agape love like He loves me. I pray that I may listen to His wisdom, guidance, and will for my life. I pray that His word so fills me with the desire to do His will that all other desires pale in comparison. I am sorry, thankful, joyful, and so many things that don't don't even come close to being enough. I am a Christian. I am a sinner. I am so much more than what I believe I am. I am HIS!

The Roots of Gratitude

Pondering the future always leads me down a (off-the-beaten-path) look at our past. In 2005 Chris and I thought we'd found the place God wanted us to grow old, make a family, and retire. You know, a home, some roots. We fell in love with everything about this little town God brought us to. Little did we know that our dreams would change and our path was taking a huge dive into the wild blue yonder. But, as God is so faithful, He always fulfills his promises "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.Romans 8:28 We ended up meeting this fabulous couple who in turn introduced us to their parents who had-once upon a time-taught overseas in Bangkok, Thailand. Ok, you see where this is going? Great! I could go on and on about the rest of this story, but most of you know it anyway. The point is, that GOD HAD A PLAN! I am so glad we followed it instead of our own. I am so filled with gratitude that He has blessed us with so many gifts, ones we even take for granted. Had we been able to conceive, we would not have been blessed with our first foster child, Elizabeth. If we had stayed in that town, we would not have moved to metro Atlanta where we adopted Hailley and Elijah. We wouldn't have moved to the church where Chris and I became Christians and wouldn't have been led to finally move to Bangkok, Thailand. I guess I could go on and on with the ways that OUR plans and dreams feel so important to us that we forget how GOD'S plans are so much more: bigger, better, awesome. I look back and realize now, as I grow closer to Christ each day, to trust in His will for our lives. His plans, His blessings, His divine timing is the only way. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11. We have loved living here in Thailand. We have had so many adventures, and many more to come for sure. I just say that all the glory is to be given to God, who loves me, who has reigned down His blessings from Heaven on our family and is gracious and merciful enough to call me daughter.

Great Lesson from God

As I sit here on "THE MONSTROSITY" I have so many emotions. It is not the awesome, beige/brown sofa I love to look at in magazines that have my neutral style and clean lines. It is hideous. You see, my journey to this great lesson starts at Ikea when I clap and jump up and down and thank God and my sweet, loving gypsy face of a husband for the awesome three seater sofa with a white slip cover. We couldn't afford the sassy dark brown one or the herringbone patterned one so I had the idea to coffee stain it. Gypsy Face agreed we would save a lot of money if we did this and so off we went. Round #1. I shove the entire slip cover in our newly purchased (but lovingly used) washing machine and throw the brewed coffee in. We sit and wait and check on it like a brand new baby that just came home from the hospital. We have so many questions and doubts....will it be tie dyed....will it wash right out and look like we never did anything.....how long should we leaving it? OK, so after about two hours we bring it out, put it in the drying and voila! NOT!!! Ok, it didn't look bad, but instead of the dark, rich brown I wanted it turned out to be a light cream color. Round #2. I went to the good ol U.S. of A. and brought back a packet of Rit Dye. So excited to make this now light cream sofa into a dark brown, luscious, sofa of my dreams! I mean, it came from the motherland right? It HAD to turn out, right? This great idea had now at this point become a battle. I WOULD make this work. Especially now that I had people ready and willing to see what it looks like. These people who were telling me how clever I was and how I was such a great wife to save money and be so creative. I mean, I had to live up to that right? So, Rit Dye packet goes in the wash, along with the slip cover that was once again shoved in the machine and left for an even longer time. No baby-ish thoughts this time, just plain determination. IT WOULD WORK, IT WOULD WORK, IT HAS TO WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So while I sit in my chair, just knowing that God is going to bless me this time because I have been a cheap, frugal, awesomely crafty wife who will bring the Gypsy Face honor and Glory, my slip cover lays in ruin. We pull it out this time it is no longer the even, cute but undesired color of light cream. It is an awful monstrosity that is multicolored. Where did I go wrong? You people may already have this answer, but not me. I am in the midst of entertaining some friends and I sling my dog Mango in to the arms of a guest and wallow in pity. IT'S RUINED!!!!!!!!!!! Tie dyed brown, red with splotches of purple. I didn't even remember the days of art appreciation where you learn to mix colors. I am incredulous that my beautiful cover and the wonder dye from the good motherland have failed me. I am doomed! Poor Gypsy Face, he tries to make me feel better by telling me that the tie dye matches my personality because I am a long lost hippie. He does not like the wretched witch I have turned into and the face that yells...."THAT IS THE UGLIEST COMPLIMENT YOU HAVE EVER GIVEN ME!!!!!!!!!!!!" Round #3I get black dye from B2S!!! Yay! They have it! So I get ten packs, sure this will do the trick. I mean, it already dyed my clothes and fingers as I dissolve it in the machine. So, hours and hours later, I pull my now tattered and hideous slip cover out of the machine and guess what? NOT! It is now grey/brown. Well, I should say the cushions are that color, while the body is still a mottled brown/red, with grey spots in it. Ok. Distraught, beaten, and a little incredulous, I just leave it on the floor and walk out of the room, up the stairs, and straight into Gypsy Face's arms. Pathetic. I am doomed. The women's group from church is coming, I've spent all the money on this battle, and am left with the embarrassing realization that this is now my couch. People will laugh, they will laugh and say I'm crazy. They will talk about how stupid I was to think I could pull this off. OH, the things they will say. So, after all this drama, I get up and think, I need God. I get out my book study and read all morning about Hezekiah, the king who served the Lord and was successful. The only downfall he had was what?????? You got it....PRIDE. I sit here on this sofa, the hideous monstrosity and and think, wow. I wanted the glory, I wanted to be the crafty wife, I wanted to be the domestic diva, the one who brought my husband respect and honor. Hahaha! God says, you are to serve me and have no other Gods. I am to give HIM the glory, the honor and praise. I had not done that. What happened to the grateful girl who was so thankful that God had provided a sofa? She turned into a selfish, prideful brat! I'm so sorry God, I cried. Please, forgive my selfishness, my greed and my need to be a perfect, clever wife. Please forgive my foolishness and the embarrassment I have caused. But more than that, I promise to keep this sofa as hideous and imperfect as it is to remind me that YOU and YOU ALONE are the only reason I have anything. And once again I am thankful that you showed me and returned my focus to you. I love this couch. I love it's ugliness, it's imperfections, and the ugly lesson that came with it. Thank you for loving me and my ugliness, my imperfections and giving me the grace and mercy I don't deserve.

Reflections on the Wolski's Gypsy Adventure to Thailand

I can't believe we've made it an entire year in Thailand! Wow. It really has been an adventure. We have done and seen so many things and I will never be the same since coming to Bangkok, Thailand. When we sold everything to follow God's will for us I had no idea the road He would take us down. The life's lessons, the fun adventures, the beautiful scenery, new community, new friends, church, school and life among natives in a foreign land is just so mind boggling. But we did it! We all set out wanting to do specific things when we got here and we've done all but one. Elijah and I wanted to ride elephants, Chris wanted to go to the Bridge over the River Kwai and Hailley wanted to ride horses on the beach. We've done all but ride horses on the beach, and if it kills us, that will be the one thing we do next year. Not bad for our first year. The things we didn't expect was to be surrounded and loved by so many. We've had tears, fights, times when we just wanted to pack up and go home but God never says any of this would be easy. He just promises to walk beside us and carry us through it. He has sent us so many wonderful people. Missionaries who have lived here for so long, other teachers who have been through culture shock, and young new teachers who keep us going with their optimistic outlook on life have all been in the right place at the right time. I have never been more sure of anything in my life.....God sent us here and He has a wonderful plan for us. I miss the good ol' U.S. of A. but am appreciating every aspect of living here. Don't get me wrong, there are days when I have to remind myself that I'm here because God is the boss of me. Like when I'm riding down the dirty street on my, by now, old, raggedy, orange bike named Nanny McPhee in 100 degree weather and sweating like a piglet. Or like the time my tire was flat and I rode Elijah's bike to the Pepsi shop in the neighborhood only to twist my ankle and flip over the handlebars in front of all the Thai neighbors. There are other things that I loath here. Having to depend on taxi drivers, loud music/screaming girls with microphones in the malls, having to shop at three different places for groceries and the fact that they don't have a walmart or target. The fact the Pepsi is the preferred drink(Hello? I'm from the ATL and firmly believe that Coke should and will always be everyone's favorite). Poisonous snakes, floods, rabid street dogs and cats that multiply before your very eyes. Paying for drinking water, fish with heads and eyeballs on the menu, and squatty potties. Yuck. I do love how patient and loving most of the Thai people are. How when Elijah ran away, our entire neighborhood, Thai and Farong(that's foreigners) alike got out and looked for hours and held me and Hailley while we cried and prayed for his safety. I love to see the entire families of four and five that fit on a moped. I love how the beauty and the community that is just lost on today's American culture. I love how it really does take a village to raise your kids and how everyone prays and talks about Jesus Christ without shame or fear of offending someone. I love to try and speak Thai and watch the Thai people laugh and try to figure out what I'm saying. I love to buy food or goods from the market and watch entire families come to see what I'm buying and ask what I'm making. I love how Chris has gotten to witness to non christian kids at school and how our kids are surrounded by loving and patient friends. So, as we wind down our first year, I think of all the blessings we have received this year. I praise God and give Him all the glory for leading us here and I pray that next year will be filled with more healing, more love, laughter and great experiences. We have four days until we get on a plane. Four days to squeeze my sister until she pops. I cannot wait to see her smile, laugh until I cry, and be silly like I can with no other person. I can't wait to hold my daddy in my arms and squeeze my crazy mammy. I have missed them all so much and cannot wait to be surrounded by their love. Thanks for all the love, prayers and support of all our friends. We could not have made it without you guys!

The Truth of a Gypsy Heart

People from the church got mad at us for pulling out of a church camp. My daughter got in not one, but two, fights with a seventeen year old eighth grader and got detention for a week. My son stole the teacher's scissors and held them up (playing) to someone's neck like he was in the "movies." My son and daughter got in a fight that escalated into him running away and the entire neighborhood, Thai and non-Thai alike, were scouring the streets for him. And to start it all off, the therapist said I am the one who needs therapy first and most. All this happened within 9 days of each other.
The weeks before I had started questioning God about why we were brought to Thailand, how we were going to make it financially, what was our purpose here. I still didn't know where I was supposed to serve, which ministry to join forces with and feeling guilty every time I told someone no, or I'm not sure. Well, God certainly showed me the answers to all those questions in the span of those 9 days. I went from questioning His judgement to knowing without a doubt that I am back to my old ways of trying to control things. I remembered the verse "Be still and know I am God." I have never known such a loving, graceful, merciful community than we are in right now. Yes, I am totally humiliated that my lack of bonding with my children has held them back. Yes, I am totally embarrassed that my child ran away and now everyone knows we don't live in a utopia filled with unicorns. To the questions of how we are going to make it, I am learning to "be still..." I am learning to be content, to block out the negative naysayers and to listen to the angels who have surrounded us with love and support. I am learning to say things with my actions and not words. I am learning to love my children for who they are in spite of all their hideous badges of honor, sometimes worn proudly on their sleeves. I am learning to listen and smile when people tell me what they think of me or my parenting skills. I smile because I know without a doubt those people would never be able to handle what we go through in one day, let alone the last four years with wounded spirits and the aftermath of abuse. As one loving friend put it, they are special, and you are specially picked for them. I am beginning to believe that. I hang on to the fact that my pride is not because we are special, but because we are chosen by God to parent, to learn and to love. We are not perfect, but we are humble, we are fighters, we are survivors. We will do anything, try anything and fall on our knees publicly to hang on to the robe of Christ and follow His Holy Spirit in guiding us-all of us-to the cross. He may drag us kicking and screaming, but we haven't let go of the robe yet!
All this new learning of the attachment theory has made me step up to the plate, not accept them bonding with Chris more than me and to hold me accountable for their healing and in return, healing all the hurts from my childhood I never knew were impacting my relationship with anyone, let alone my family. Little by little, in my humble gypsy heart, grows tiny roots of two adolescent rascals who have not wormed their ways in, but clawed, kicked and screamed and fought their way to get there. May they one day know how much I love them and how I will die loving them. No matter how much they embarrass, humiliate, hurt, defy, or rebel, I will love them with all my heart.

Valentines Day Adventures!

As I sit here looking at "ideas" on Pinterest all day, I realize it is four o'clock and the day is gone. I have nothing to show and an overwhelming number of those ideas swimming around in my head. So, what is the topic of those ideas? VALENTINES DAY!!! I realize that my crazy gypsy of a husband tore the roots right out from under us and brought us across the entire globe. I realize my adopted kids give me a run for my money with their tests and rascally behavior. But you know what? There is no greater passion than the love I have for those three. I will follow my Chris to the end of this life with devotion, respect and a lot of gushy love. I will fight for and with my children so that they will get to the end of this life and say, "wow, I know I was loved by that crazy woman!"
This brings me to the realization that God loved us so much that He gave us His son to die on the cross for our sins. Wow! He loves us far more than we deserve, gave us the greatest gift, and blesses our lives beyond measure. So, in all of that, how are YOU going to show your family that you love them? I hope you all will not be dying on any crosses soon, but I challenge you to show your family some extra love this month. When they lie, steal, cheat, are mean, bicker, are selfish, etc. Show them love and give them grace and mercy. Just like God does us even when we are all of those things and sometimes worse.
So, even though they don't give you patience on Pinterest or sell kindness on etsy, let's all take time out to plan a little love and a little less "idea."