It's so easy to get bogged down with the awful day to day pitfalls. I often get caught up in all the things that need to be done, need improvement, or have to be fixed. I am a doer. I like to have lists and cross things off the list. If I am at the grocery store and I grab something off the list, I write it down , just so I can cross it off. Yeah, I'm that crazy. I have also tried organizing my list and ended up doing none of that list because I spent all my time organizing and trying to figure out the most efficient way to check that list off. At some point over the last week, I have realized that in all these rush around, list making, scratching off, organizing days, that I'm trying to control my life. I have not been listening to God. I have been talking his ear off and not listening to anything. How can you listen when you're talking? How can you be obedient when you can't hear direction? I KNOW God is in control. I KNOW His plan is better. I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW!!!! So why do I always get back into the habit of scratching off or controlling and raging? Because I'm also impatient. I never realized how bad Americans are at wanting what we want, when we want it. Right now. Instant gratification. It wasn't until I moved to Thailand that it became a realization. I want things right now. I want a peaceful, fun, life. I want my children to heal, behave and make fabulous grades and be superstar athletes. I want to save a lot of money. I want to be a size 8. I want, I want, I want. In the midst of bad grades, bad attitudes, broken vacuums, no money and tight pants, I hear a voice. This whisper is saying, "Be still, and know I am God." "Come to me, you are weary." "Rest." It gives me peace. I know He's got it. He's got the finances. He's got my kids. He's got the Gypsy and He's got everything. HE is so much bigger. So much better than any list, and the transformation we're taking to get there may not be pretty, but His plan for us is beautiful. I am so thankful that I can put my trust in him and that His plan for me is to prosper me and give me a hope and a future. As good as scratching that item off the list is, it's way better to know God loves me. To know that I can take all my worries to the cross and lay it all at the feet of Jesus. He loves me, even when I'm ugly. I can lay all my anger, disappointment, questions, controlling behaviors at His feet and HE still loves me. I am so glad that when I want to give up, want to run away, wonder what in the world I was thinking, or harbor hate in my heart, he still whispers to me. I am so glad HE doesn't run away, wonder what in the world he was thinking when he made me, or hate me for not obeying and just being plain awful. Thanks God. As I sit here frustrated with life, mad at the world, life's circumstances, and the lack of understanding from most people, I give it up to God and realize I don't have to control anything. I hope and pray that any of you going through tough times, who feel like giving up, who feel lost, may find hope in Jesus Christ. I pray you have a community that loves you, surrounds you, helps you, even when they don't understand. I pray for kind words, friends who love you through it all and people who bring you closer to God. This crazy girl loves you all and I hope that I can encourage you and pray for you in any way I can. Feel free to send me any prayer requests!

Sister Adventures! Whoot whoot!

MY SISTER CAME TO TOWN! First of all, let me tell you what a blessing it was for her to be able to come. It is not easy to leave responsibilities, jobs, bills, animals and friends and pay a fortune to fly halfway around the world to see your sister. I can only say thank you to my fabulous brother-in-law, Philip and to the secret angel God sent to help my sister afford the flight over. And when I tell you it's a secret, I mean, if I could, I would shout his name with praise from the roof tops in Thailand and tell everyone how gracious I am to the fabulously, generous, kind, loving, selfless man who gave freely. I love your guts out you private angel! So, my sister gets here and I take her to Chatuchuk, the world's largest outdoor market. After running around buying things for everyone else, we almost die of heatstroke because it's 850,000 degrees outside. If you could have seen all the Thai and foreigners looking as we lay on the dirty sidewalk drinking freshly squeezed orange juice, your mouth would have gaped open in astonishment too. The next day we fly off to Krabi to show her the beauteousness of the beaches in Thailand. We were so happy we were going to be able to show her Bangkok AND Krabi! It rained every day, but to two girls from South GA who are filled with excitement and so blessed to be seeing each other, what is rain, right? We rode elephants in the rain and of course, I had the mamma with a naughty baby tied to her. Fitting, since I'm riding with MY naughty baby while the other baby rides with Aunt Nikki and the poor Gypsy has to ride by himself. As we got over being scared, I looked around and am so amazed at how people live in the jungle and ride elephants. I saw, even through the rain, the beauty of palm trees against a backdrop of mountains so green it looks like a fake movie. As I hear my sister squeal with glee and Hailley laugh at her squealing with glee, the naughty baby got naughtier. She decided to flop around in the mud while mamma slips and slides down the hills. She then proceeded to lead the whole procession of very large elephants toward a lake. As she dove right in and all other elephants started to follow I start screeching in my pitiful Thai, "I'm scared, I'm finished, I'm scared!" So, everything stops and miss naughty baby got out. Whew. I mean, I've got a set of lungs! Our next adventure was the five Island tour. I have no idea what the Islands were because we never made it. It rained so hard and the waves were so bad the captain took us to a little resort and we had a cookout. Do you think this bothered us? NO WAY! We laughed and had the best time! We ate our first fish with hua (heads) on them and laughed hysterically about how we almost died in the 5 food waves. Our next adventure was the ATV and BB gun shooting. What? You can take the girl out of the country but you can't take the country out of the girl! It was amazing. I think it was the funnest thing we did all week! My Gypsy, even though he's from the south, had his first day of mud slinging, speed racing, fun! It was so awesome. I think he and Nikki had more fun than me and the baby birds all together. And who knew the rain would be the biggest blessing on that particular outing? There were times of beach going and wandering up and down the strip, bargaining and getting things that were "large size for you madame!" We got beat up several times by the waves and almost blown away by monsoon rainfall. The funnest time was sitting in Krabi, Thailand with my family and my sister, my fun fink face, having porch time and laughing and talking about old times. I tell you, her visit was a blessing and food for my soul. It is the hardest thing to do watching a part of your heart walk away and get on a plane. But I'm telling you, it was the best visit ever and I'm so blessed, so filled with joy and gratitude for my sister, her visit, our crazy times together and to squeeze her guts out. Thanks to all who made this adventure possible for us. May God bless your pants off!

Ugly Words Made Beautiful

Transformation. Obedience. When I think of those words, I have an intrinsic negative reaction. My body tenses, I clench my teeth, my eyes narrow. It's not until I hear, "What's wrong, you're making a face," that I realize it. As this year comes to an end I realize those words have followed me all year, whether with my kids, my friends or myself. No one likes to obey. No one likes to be transformed. It means change. Who likes that? I realize that I have been fighting God all year long. I tried holding onto things that He was whispering to give up. I kept thinking I was hearing Him tell me things in the words others spoke, not realizing it put me farther and farther away from Him. I was disobeying. I didn't give up Thai lessons when He said to. I kept going. I'll give it up when I finish module one. I'm not a quitter. I'll be a failure if I don't do well. I won't be able to communicate and help my family. Other people will judge. On and on the excuses. I realize this is Satan's way of getting you to disobey. He's so cunning. He's manipulative, beautiful, easy, and full of answers to get you on his side. It's only in learning to stop that I realize who I was following. In my Women's group we're learning how to walk with God. In the book, Walking With God John Eldredge talks about how he not only asks God about EVERYTHING, but he listens. And then he doesn't stop there. He asks more questions. As I learn to do this I am learning how to hear God. It's hard. It's not easy. John points out that sometimes we don't want to ask God what His will is because then it would come down to whether we obey or not. What I've found is that when you do bend your will to God's, another ugly word comes along. Transformation. It sounds ugly and sometimes even looks ugly. It's hard. It brings tears. It bring heartache. It also brings faith, love, joy, tender moments, growth, happiness, blessings and so many more things than we could ever imagine. I've seen it in my friends, whose daughter just left for college while they've decided to move to another country and start over again. I've seen it in another neighbor whose first born will move to middle school next year as she gives birth to her fourth child. I see it in several friends who are sick and having to lean on pure faith and not their own understanding. I see it in my friend who is awaiting not one, but TWO of her children to come home from college in two weeks. And I see it in my husband who has played basketball his entire life and was told he can no longer play because he needs a hip replacement at 44years. I've seen newlyweds, people lose their jobs, people change jobs, lose friends, get left out etc. And yet, it all brings about this wonderful transformation that is all part of God's plan. He never said I'll give you roses and unicorns and rainbows. Sometimes he gives you lemons. Sometimes you have to make those lemons into lemonade, and when that doesn't work, a margarita. It has been a hard year, but it has also been a fun year. I've learned that sometimes to reach the beautiful results of transformation, you HAVE to obey. So, grab your lemonade and for some, your margaritas and let's see where God's plan for us leads!

In a Funk

I'm in a funk. Here it is, about to be St. Patty's Day, soon to be Good Friday and Easter. Around all the planning and watching everyone get ready and giving up for Lent, it seems I get more and more depressed. As hard as I try I just can't seem to get out of my funk. I've read the Proverbs 31 blog and the finding joy blog and all the other blogs about God's grace and mercy and forgiveness and I still am feeling loss. It all seems to come at once. The fact I haven't spoken to my parents in months (because they rarely skype and I'm busy) or the fact we are not making the 24 hour flight home this summer, and my child is about to be on academic probation and I dropped my cherished crockpot today and I literally got hit head on by a car while riding my moped yesterday;all of those things feel overwhelming. What feels most overwhelming is how I got jipped. When I had my miscarriage many moons ago I couldn't cry. I have never sat down and had a good cry. It is in these moments of day to day realizing that I never got to hold my Hailley and put bows in her hair or buy her the ridiculously frilly dresses with tutus on it or tell her she is a princess or mold her into a secure, strong daughter of God that I realize I'm mourning. When I realize Elijah never got to play swords or camp out in tents in the living room with friends or wear superman P.J.s or under wear and sing silly children's choir songs, I feel jipped. The sad part is, at 15 and 13, I still get jipped. When I hear other moms talking about their kids experiencing normal, day to day teenage things like going to the mall and hanging out with friends or watching movies and having sleep overs, once again, I get jipped. Watching other moms get pregnant over and over and the blessings that are poured out on them, well, it hurts. It puts me in a funk. I feel loss. I will never stop yearning for that child, that baby. Yet I know in the depths of this sorrow and longing for what might never be, that God has a plan. I keep my faith because I know that His hope is my strength. I know that God wants me to have joy. He never promised this life would be full of fun times and laughter. And in the book study I'm reading it points out that many of us believe that because God is love and is a loving God that He promises us a good life. When we get in funks or feel jipped in life, we blame God because it doesn't look like what WE had planned. It's hard. It's tough. Sometimes there is lack. I am realizing that these things are true in the tough times because I am focusing on myself and the lack in my life. The lack isn't about not having an old navy in Thailand or not being able to shop in Publix or Kroger. It's not about having to pay $118 for tennis shoes that would cost me $60 in the U.S. or $10 for a box of cereal or having no car. The lack is because I'm not allowing God to fill my empty spaces. I am not content. I am not focusing on Him and all He's done for me. Does pointing all this out make my funk go away? No. It doesn't. But it makes me pause and once again thank God He blesses me far more than I deserve. I am rerouting my train of thought, my funk is slowing down but not gone. Galations 6:9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Becoming my favorite verse. Do not give up, do not become weary. I feel God cheering me on, and it feels good.

Eating Crow in the Adventurous Thailand

I'm so full of many different emotions right now it will be hard to write this post. When Chris and I began the prayers of God's will for our lives and moving overseas it took four years. Four years for an answer. But when we were ready for it, we got it right away. I felt it like a sonic boom and so did Chris. We were so excited and on fire to move to Thailand and do God's will for our lives! When I look back I cannot believe we gave up our entire lives to come here and start over It allows Chris to spread the word to those in his classroom, to be free of the restrictions of the public classroom--in the land of the free! People said we were crazy, people said when asked, I would have said no. I asked again, not quite sure I heard, but they affirmed, they would have told God no. They said they would let their husband go and fly back and forth but they would not leave America! Well, let me tell you, I was indignant. I could not believe how many people said that very statement to Chris and I both. It was a shock to know how many of our Christian friends said they would have told God no. I sound like I'm pointing fingers, but please, bear with me. I am not even close to being innocent. We get to Thailand and there are hundreds of ministries to get involved in. I was so confused and began to pray for what God wanted ME to get involved in. Would it be the prison ministry, the sex slave trade ministry, the ministry for orphans, elderly, etc. It seems like everyone is in need here and they are all terrific, very worthy ministries. But my answer kept coming back, "your family is your ministry." Ok, so those of you who really know me that I have always been bossy, energetic, very social and wanting to jump right in and help others. So, while other mothers asked and kind of scoffed when I said that my kids were my ministry "right now" and that I was still praying about which ministry I was going to get involved in, I kept praying for God to show me and reveal to me which ministry I was going to involve myself in. It finally hit me after a year and a half....HELLO! I'm ignoring God! I'm telling God no. Being the mother and having your family as your ministry is not glamorous. It never is recognized. It's not a job that gets appreciated and in fact my son continues to tell me he doesn't think I am capable of doing anything but cooking and bathing. My daughter is afraid that I will not be able to get them anywhere on time when their father is out of town. So, what happens when God calls you to do something and you don't like it? Does that mean you don't do it? Does that mean you keep ignoring it and then one day you will get what you want, a glamorous job with total recognition? I mean, who am I really living for, ME OR GOD? Whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. 1 Corinthians 10:31. So, now that I've eaten crow and realized what I'm doing, what in the world am I going to do about it? I don't have the answers but prayers would surely be nice. Being the mother of two adopted children who have attachment disorder and have not bonded with their mother is hard. NOT glamorous. But I love them so much, and more than that, I love God more than anything and want to follow His will and guidance for my life. What will YOU do? Will you tell God no or ignore Him if He doesn't call you to do something awesome or glamorous? It may not be to you but everything He has in store for us to Him, is for His glory so it has to be glamorous in His eyes, right? Isn't that what counts? Sometimes God has to give us a tongue lashing for us to pay attention. He has my full attention, what about yours?

Put in My Place.

Being a mother to adopted children is not for the faint at heart. It is glorious and it just plain sucks, all rolled into one. Living overseas is the same. I'd like to say I never want to give up or question what we are doing, what we were thinking. I'd like to say the life I had before doesn't cause me to pause and have an old familiar feeling of lust and desire. I would love to be the Proverbs 31 woman. I would love to be the woman my husband could be proud of, the mother that everyone envies. In my mind, the person I want to be and the person I truly act like bring out the expression, "lost in translation." Before the Christmas break I was feeling run down, useless, longing for home yet defending the decision to move here, thinking I'm alone and not being able to express my thoughts of unrest, boredom and dissatisfaction. Then, my friend shared a blog about obedience and how obedience doesn't always turn out great or feel fun or good. She then questions if it doesn't feel good or doesn't turn out fun, does that mean it's wrong? That we shouldn't have done it? She points out that as Christians, we should do things because they are right in God's eyes, not because they make us feel or gain anything in return. It floored me. Here I have been questioning God about what I'm doing wrong, why am I not gaining fruit when I am giving 100%? What am I doing wrong? Questioning God, my Lord and Savior who made all things possible formed more questions. Uncomfortable ones I wanted to hide from. Do I really believe God is who He says He is? Do I really think He's got it, that He has plans for me, to prosper me? Who do I think I am to question God? Who am I to think my way is better and quicker, easier than His way? Why do I always think I am deserving? Why do I have a self righteous and entitlement attitude? It makes me stop. I'm ashamed. If I really think about it, my answer is this: If I am deserving of rewards for all the good things I do, then what about the bad? I'm way more deserving of the punishments I've never received than the rewards and blessings He has bestowed upon me. Lavished really. I sit here now, in awe that my God loves me. He is merciful, giver of grace, lover of my soul. This realization makes me understand that I am NOT deserving, yet He loves, gives grace, is merciful, guides me, provides for me, and so much more I can't even comprehend. He not only loves me, He pursues me! I pray for myself. I know it's still selfish, but I do. I pray to be more like Him. I pray that when my friends and family look at me that they will see more of Him and less of me. I pray that I will learn to love my husband and kids with an agape love like He loves me. I pray that I may listen to His wisdom, guidance, and will for my life. I pray that His word so fills me with the desire to do His will that all other desires pale in comparison. I am sorry, thankful, joyful, and so many things that don't don't even come close to being enough. I am a Christian. I am a sinner. I am so much more than what I believe I am. I am HIS!