I Know Why People Have Midlife Crisis Now

My life is like a cartoon. I've said it a million and one times, and half the time most of you agree with me. Most days I can focus on funny things that happen to me and just crazy, silly or amazing things that happen in my ordinary life. But ordinary life is getting harder. It's been one hell of a summer and the start of this school year is no better. Never did I ever in my life dream I'd grow up and be a mother who is hated by her children. Never did I once say, "Wow, I want my children to be so mean to me, so indifferent, so narcissistic and yet dependent and needy that they suck the life right out of me." Does anyone? Yet that is my reality. Some days I'm really good and hold tight to the truth that God never said it would be easy, but He did promise that He'd be with me. Most days. Most days I feel Him, but I'll be honest yet again. It's getting harder and harder. I remember the girl who was wild and free, who was so passionate and loved fiercely. I remember a girl who could have fun and laugh and who was interested in life and people. But the thing is, when you parent children who abuse you in whatever way, whether it's violence or withdrawing love, manipulation, constant triangulation and you give all of yourself and get nothing in return, it does something to you. It changes you. You are now a different person because you have lived hurt, embarrassment, shame, lies, theft, violence, aggression, loneliness and frustration. And after years of this, you wake up and realize you have given 100% of your life to the wind. You have blown your dreams so that someone else could have theirs, yet they choose not to put forth effort. You realize that somewhere you became broken and that in that brokenness you have lost some pieces that you may never get back. And you realize some parts you picked up that you know don't belong but yet they've gotten tangled in with the mess that was once a beautiful, faucet of shimmering hope. I'm sorry if I'm depressing you, but I vowed to be honest so that when others feel these things they know they aren't alone. The reality is, I am not the same person I was long ago. In so many ways that's good and in some it's so heart-wrenching and sad that I can't bear to think or ponder it. I fear that I might be so changed there may not be hope to come back from this. This. This life that is nowhere near over, this journey that continues to suck the life out of me. I may not be the same person I was years ago, and some may think I am going on into midlife crisis mode. I have to say though that I might not know who I am, what my likes or dislikes are, where or what or who my future holds, but I know without a doubt, WHOSE I am. I know that even in my despair and self pity and sadness and disappointment, Christ has me. I'm His. The disappointment of not having a huge, loving, close family turns into peace that surpasses all understanding because I, myself, have been adopted into a spiritual family so large, spread far and wide. The love I have lavished on my children and never get in return is given tenfold by my Father in Heaven. My strength, my comforter, my rock and my shield. My heart is even quickening while typing this very sentence. I can continue to go down this dark, depressing road and succumb to the cliche midlife crazy train or I can hang on dearly to the fact that my joy truly does come from the Lord, and that the closer I am to Him and the more intimate my relationship with Him, the less I need to receive the love of these children who have nothing to give me. I can rise up and I can shout from the roof tops and I can proclaim that I WILL NOT LET THEM TAKE ME OUT. I will continue to find beauty. I will continue to be happy for my friends. I will praise Jesus over my blessings and I will pour out my love, encouragement and faith. I will pray that His light so shines upon my face that when someone looks at me they see that I AM A JESUS FREAK. I pray that the example of my life, of faith even in the storm, will bring some type of hope and encouragement to a mom who thinks she's crazy. The mom who just can't change one more diaper. The mom who holds her cancer baby close and praises for one more day on earth. I want to encourage the mom who just found out she has cancer. The mom whose body is failing and just doesn't want to move on. The one who doesn't feel appreciated by her husband or children or friends or family. I'm here. You are not alone. I see you and I lift you up and pray that God will pour out His blessings store up in heaven for you and that you will be ready and open to receiving so many of them that you have to say "ok God, Uncle! Uncle! Give me a minute to process all the goodness you have given." God Bless you and may the cartoon continue.

I DON'T HATE MOTHER'S DAY!

I'm just getting to the point I can write this. I appreciate so many of your loving, encouraging words on this Mother's Day past. I know I am blessed, beyond words, with friends who love and support me and a husband who thinks the world of me and wishes this day would be better for me. This day is not always a happy day for many, but I saw something posted on Facebook that made me pause. Some people boycott this day. Some people hate this day. And some people say hurtful things to cover up the fact this day is a disappointment. I don't want that to be my message, therefore I had to write this post. Mother's Day an emotional day. If I had to describe the Mother's Day emotion it would be REGRET. It starts out with my own mother, who I treated very poorly. I regret those days and would give anything to go back and treat her with the love and respect she deserves. You can never take back words or actions that were meant to hurt. You can say sorry and beg forgiveness, but the regret will always be there. Sometimes that regret is overwhelming and I cannot even contemplate what I will have to answer to in heaven. I love her fiercely and wish she could see inside my heart how much I love her. Mother's Day is also a reminder of the child I lost in 2006. I didn't really mourn the loss then and it was really hard to explain to people how it felt like an out of body experience. I have mourned over the last ten years on different occasions. I wonder who he would have looked like. I wonder if he would be smart like his father and funny like me. I wonder who he'd be, what struggles he would have and if he would love Jesus. I mourn the month of February, because I know that he would have been born on my birthday, like I was born on my grandfather's birthday. I mourn that I couldn't give my husband the one connection that most all adoptees agree is very important and life changing. I mourn not getting to watch my Gypsy, the love of my life, teach and coach and lead my son into greatness. I mourn what would have been. The only thing more certain is that I will mourn him until my last breath. (I say him because I know in my heart it was a boy). Mother's Day is also regret because even though I have two adopted kids, they had to go through trauma and sorrow to become mine. Some mother out there made terrible choices and now I have her babies. It makes me conflicted, and I know if I"M conflicted, THEY TOO, are conflicted. Do I mourn the life of this mother, who abused her babies and treated them so poorly they were taken away? Do I feel sad for her? What life must she have lived to not be able to love her children and neglect them until their brains were not fully formed and they may never recover? The regret for me is that I do mourn for her. I regret she didn't have a better life, or a greater respect for the life of her children. I agonize over the fact that she didn't get to participate in the fun things that bring her children joy. I feel anger toward her when my children can't do the normal, healthy things other kids do because of her bad choices. So many consequences from just one person. I think of her often and wish she knew how much these babies deserved love and kindness and health, and happiness. I wish she knew how much they needed her. I wish, and I can't fix. It makes me sad, angry, and regretful. So, while some of you understand my feelings, some of you have no idea. I just wanted to say that many of my friends are mothers, and I have prayed for their pregnancies, births, and children. I love you all, respect you immensely and celebrate you with fanfare. I do not begrudge anyone a fabulous celebration, it just worked a WHOLE LOT BETTER for our family to just skip this celebration altogether. Love to you all, Staci

Women of Faith was AMAZING!

The Gypsy and my sister, or Nishy as I lovingly refer to her as, surprised me and got Women of Faith tickets. I have been wanting to go and it was their farewell tour, so this was my last chance! Needless to say I was so excited! Nishy and I met down at the Crown Plaza and got an amazing room with a city view. We taxied to the Philips Arena and were blown away on our first night. The worship team was awesome, and I got to participate in an amazing conference. Now, some people might have thought that it wasn't even a fraction of what it was in previous years since they talked about their favorite times of seasons past. Let me tell you, I felt so privileged to be a part of something that has been so special for so many years, even if it was my first and last time ever. Other than the music, worshiping and getting to be in the same room with so many believers, so many ages, different races, cultures, backgrounds, and hearing and seeing tears and the great Almighty Holy Spirit in that arena, I will tell you what I came away with: !. I want more. I want to live my life as if every day is my last. I want to live for Jesus and not apologize. I want to be better. I want to be a part of His kingdom when it's all said and done. I love Jesus. I love being a part of a large group of women who love Jesus too. I don't want to be anything different than His. 2. I want to run in my own lane. I want to glorify God with the gifts he gave ME. I want to live in the moment, stop the comparisons with other women and their gifts that steals my joy and robs me of peace. I want to be me. I am who He says I am. He is who He says He is. His promises are true. He will never leave me or forsake me. No matter what, I am His. I am the daughter of the true king. And this king pursues ME. 3. We all have ugly. We are all capable of any thing and any feeling and any action at any time or any place. We need to remember to renew our minds daily, sometimes hourly. This world is hard and that's why we need Jesus. I don't know how people do it without Him. But I know that through Him I can do all things. Not some things, not just the easy things, but ALL things. Even hard things. 4. I think women need a verbal spanking, me included. We all say we want something more, something deep and something meaningful, but when the time comes, we hide or just plain give up. Not following through is leaving me feeling empty. I want more, then more is expected of me. That might not sit well with some, but there it is. If you want fellowship and community, you have to show up and be a willing participant. It takes a village. Be mentored, mentor someone. Meet with someone once or twice a week and pray and just talk through life. We need those friendships that will see us through life's ups and downs and hard times and celebrations and heart squishingly wonderful times as well. 5. More than anything, I am loved. I know I get overwhelmed and can get bogged down with self pity, but when I stop and think about it I cannot believe how loved I am. First, God has loved me and called me to Him. He pursues me. He gives me grace and mercy and blessings beyond belief. I blessed with a family who loves me, my crazy ways and actually seeks out my crazy because my gifts are encouragement and laughter. I have no idea what to do with those gifts, but that's what He gave me and I'm so glad people love me because of it. There are so many more things that I loved about the weekend, but most of all I got to experience the tail end of something beautiful. I got to say I have been to Women of Faith and to see and hear some wonderful women and soak up their wisdom. I wait in anticipation for what God has in store for these women, and plan to read everything I can find on each one of them. I am thankful for a husband/gypsy who knows what my heart needs and will go to the ends of the earth to get it for me. I am filled with gratitude for a sister/Nishy who will go on fun adventures with me, laugh, cry, and dance and sing our hearts out and who is a very part of my heart and soul. I am grateful. I am loved! And so are YOU!