Eating Crow in the Adventurous Thailand

I'm so full of many different emotions right now it will be hard to write this post. When Chris and I began the prayers of God's will for our lives and moving overseas it took four years. Four years for an answer. But when we were ready for it, we got it right away. I felt it like a sonic boom and so did Chris. We were so excited and on fire to move to Thailand and do God's will for our lives! When I look back I cannot believe we gave up our entire lives to come here and start over It allows Chris to spread the word to those in his classroom, to be free of the restrictions of the public classroom--in the land of the free! People said we were crazy, people said when asked, I would have said no. I asked again, not quite sure I heard, but they affirmed, they would have told God no. They said they would let their husband go and fly back and forth but they would not leave America! Well, let me tell you, I was indignant. I could not believe how many people said that very statement to Chris and I both. It was a shock to know how many of our Christian friends said they would have told God no. I sound like I'm pointing fingers, but please, bear with me. I am not even close to being innocent. We get to Thailand and there are hundreds of ministries to get involved in. I was so confused and began to pray for what God wanted ME to get involved in. Would it be the prison ministry, the sex slave trade ministry, the ministry for orphans, elderly, etc. It seems like everyone is in need here and they are all terrific, very worthy ministries. But my answer kept coming back, "your family is your ministry." Ok, so those of you who really know me that I have always been bossy, energetic, very social and wanting to jump right in and help others. So, while other mothers asked and kind of scoffed when I said that my kids were my ministry "right now" and that I was still praying about which ministry I was going to get involved in, I kept praying for God to show me and reveal to me which ministry I was going to involve myself in. It finally hit me after a year and a half....HELLO! I'm ignoring God! I'm telling God no. Being the mother and having your family as your ministry is not glamorous. It never is recognized. It's not a job that gets appreciated and in fact my son continues to tell me he doesn't think I am capable of doing anything but cooking and bathing. My daughter is afraid that I will not be able to get them anywhere on time when their father is out of town. So, what happens when God calls you to do something and you don't like it? Does that mean you don't do it? Does that mean you keep ignoring it and then one day you will get what you want, a glamorous job with total recognition? I mean, who am I really living for, ME OR GOD? Whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. 1 Corinthians 10:31. So, now that I've eaten crow and realized what I'm doing, what in the world am I going to do about it? I don't have the answers but prayers would surely be nice. Being the mother of two adopted children who have attachment disorder and have not bonded with their mother is hard. NOT glamorous. But I love them so much, and more than that, I love God more than anything and want to follow His will and guidance for my life. What will YOU do? Will you tell God no or ignore Him if He doesn't call you to do something awesome or glamorous? It may not be to you but everything He has in store for us to Him, is for His glory so it has to be glamorous in His eyes, right? Isn't that what counts? Sometimes God has to give us a tongue lashing for us to pay attention. He has my full attention, what about yours?

Put in My Place.

Being a mother to adopted children is not for the faint at heart. It is glorious and it just plain sucks, all rolled into one. Living overseas is the same. I'd like to say I never want to give up or question what we are doing, what we were thinking. I'd like to say the life I had before doesn't cause me to pause and have an old familiar feeling of lust and desire. I would love to be the Proverbs 31 woman. I would love to be the woman my husband could be proud of, the mother that everyone envies. In my mind, the person I want to be and the person I truly act like bring out the expression, "lost in translation." Before the Christmas break I was feeling run down, useless, longing for home yet defending the decision to move here, thinking I'm alone and not being able to express my thoughts of unrest, boredom and dissatisfaction. Then, my friend shared a blog about obedience and how obedience doesn't always turn out great or feel fun or good. She then questions if it doesn't feel good or doesn't turn out fun, does that mean it's wrong? That we shouldn't have done it? She points out that as Christians, we should do things because they are right in God's eyes, not because they make us feel or gain anything in return. It floored me. Here I have been questioning God about what I'm doing wrong, why am I not gaining fruit when I am giving 100%? What am I doing wrong? Questioning God, my Lord and Savior who made all things possible formed more questions. Uncomfortable ones I wanted to hide from. Do I really believe God is who He says He is? Do I really think He's got it, that He has plans for me, to prosper me? Who do I think I am to question God? Who am I to think my way is better and quicker, easier than His way? Why do I always think I am deserving? Why do I have a self righteous and entitlement attitude? It makes me stop. I'm ashamed. If I really think about it, my answer is this: If I am deserving of rewards for all the good things I do, then what about the bad? I'm way more deserving of the punishments I've never received than the rewards and blessings He has bestowed upon me. Lavished really. I sit here now, in awe that my God loves me. He is merciful, giver of grace, lover of my soul. This realization makes me understand that I am NOT deserving, yet He loves, gives grace, is merciful, guides me, provides for me, and so much more I can't even comprehend. He not only loves me, He pursues me! I pray for myself. I know it's still selfish, but I do. I pray to be more like Him. I pray that when my friends and family look at me that they will see more of Him and less of me. I pray that I will learn to love my husband and kids with an agape love like He loves me. I pray that I may listen to His wisdom, guidance, and will for my life. I pray that His word so fills me with the desire to do His will that all other desires pale in comparison. I am sorry, thankful, joyful, and so many things that don't don't even come close to being enough. I am a Christian. I am a sinner. I am so much more than what I believe I am. I am HIS!