In a Funk

I'm in a funk. Here it is, about to be St. Patty's Day, soon to be Good Friday and Easter. Around all the planning and watching everyone get ready and giving up for Lent, it seems I get more and more depressed. As hard as I try I just can't seem to get out of my funk. I've read the Proverbs 31 blog and the finding joy blog and all the other blogs about God's grace and mercy and forgiveness and I still am feeling loss. It all seems to come at once. The fact I haven't spoken to my parents in months (because they rarely skype and I'm busy) or the fact we are not making the 24 hour flight home this summer, and my child is about to be on academic probation and I dropped my cherished crockpot today and I literally got hit head on by a car while riding my moped yesterday;all of those things feel overwhelming. What feels most overwhelming is how I got jipped. When I had my miscarriage many moons ago I couldn't cry. I have never sat down and had a good cry. It is in these moments of day to day realizing that I never got to hold my Hailley and put bows in her hair or buy her the ridiculously frilly dresses with tutus on it or tell her she is a princess or mold her into a secure, strong daughter of God that I realize I'm mourning. When I realize Elijah never got to play swords or camp out in tents in the living room with friends or wear superman P.J.s or under wear and sing silly children's choir songs, I feel jipped. The sad part is, at 15 and 13, I still get jipped. When I hear other moms talking about their kids experiencing normal, day to day teenage things like going to the mall and hanging out with friends or watching movies and having sleep overs, once again, I get jipped. Watching other moms get pregnant over and over and the blessings that are poured out on them, well, it hurts. It puts me in a funk. I feel loss. I will never stop yearning for that child, that baby. Yet I know in the depths of this sorrow and longing for what might never be, that God has a plan. I keep my faith because I know that His hope is my strength. I know that God wants me to have joy. He never promised this life would be full of fun times and laughter. And in the book study I'm reading it points out that many of us believe that because God is love and is a loving God that He promises us a good life. When we get in funks or feel jipped in life, we blame God because it doesn't look like what WE had planned. It's hard. It's tough. Sometimes there is lack. I am realizing that these things are true in the tough times because I am focusing on myself and the lack in my life. The lack isn't about not having an old navy in Thailand or not being able to shop in Publix or Kroger. It's not about having to pay $118 for tennis shoes that would cost me $60 in the U.S. or $10 for a box of cereal or having no car. The lack is because I'm not allowing God to fill my empty spaces. I am not content. I am not focusing on Him and all He's done for me. Does pointing all this out make my funk go away? No. It doesn't. But it makes me pause and once again thank God He blesses me far more than I deserve. I am rerouting my train of thought, my funk is slowing down but not gone. Galations 6:9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Becoming my favorite verse. Do not give up, do not become weary. I feel God cheering me on, and it feels good.