Monday, October 3, 2016
I Know Why People Have Midlife Crisis Now
My life is like a cartoon. I've said it a million and one times, and half the time most of you agree with me. Most days I can focus on funny things that happen to me and just crazy, silly or amazing things that happen in my ordinary life. But ordinary life is getting harder. It's been one hell of a summer and the start of this school year is no better. Never did I ever in my life dream I'd grow up and be a mother who is hated by her children. Never did I once say, "Wow, I want my children to be so mean to me, so indifferent, so narcissistic and yet dependent and needy that they suck the life right out of me." Does anyone? Yet that is my reality. Some days I'm really good and hold tight to the truth that God never said it would be easy, but He did promise that He'd be with me. Most days. Most days I feel Him, but I'll be honest yet again. It's getting harder and harder. I remember the girl who was wild and free, who was so passionate and loved fiercely. I remember a girl who could have fun and laugh and who was interested in life and people. But the thing is, when you parent children who abuse you in whatever way, whether it's violence or withdrawing love, manipulation, constant triangulation and you give all of yourself and get nothing in return, it does something to you. It changes you. You are now a different person because you have lived hurt, embarrassment, shame, lies, theft, violence, aggression, loneliness and frustration. And after years of this, you wake up and realize you have given 100% of your life to the wind. You have blown your dreams so that someone else could have theirs, yet they choose not to put forth effort. You realize that somewhere you became broken and that in that brokenness you have lost some pieces that you may never get back. And you realize some parts you picked up that you know don't belong but yet they've gotten tangled in with the mess that was once a beautiful, faucet of shimmering hope. I'm sorry if I'm depressing you, but I vowed to be honest so that when others feel these things they know they aren't alone. The reality is, I am not the same person I was long ago. In so many ways that's good and in some it's so heart-wrenching and sad that I can't bear to think or ponder it. I fear that I might be so changed there may not be hope to come back from this. This. This life that is nowhere near over, this journey that continues to suck the life out of me. I may not be the same person I was years ago, and some may think I am going on into midlife crisis mode. I have to say though that I might not know who I am, what my likes or dislikes are, where or what or who my future holds, but I know without a doubt, WHOSE I am. I know that even in my despair and self pity and sadness and disappointment, Christ has me. I'm His. The disappointment of not having a huge, loving, close family turns into peace that surpasses all understanding because I, myself, have been adopted into a spiritual family so large, spread far and wide. The love I have lavished on my children and never get in return is given tenfold by my Father in Heaven. My strength, my comforter, my rock and my shield. My heart is even quickening while typing this very sentence. I can continue to go down this dark, depressing road and succumb to the cliche midlife crazy train or I can hang on dearly to the fact that my joy truly does come from the Lord, and that the closer I am to Him and the more intimate my relationship with Him, the less I need to receive the love of these children who have nothing to give me. I can rise up and I can shout from the roof tops and I can proclaim that I WILL NOT LET THEM TAKE ME OUT. I will continue to find beauty. I will continue to be happy for my friends. I will praise Jesus over my blessings and I will pour out my love, encouragement and faith. I will pray that His light so shines upon my face that when someone looks at me they see that I AM A JESUS FREAK. I pray that the example of my life, of faith even in the storm, will bring some type of hope and encouragement to a mom who thinks she's crazy. The mom who just can't change one more diaper. The mom who holds her cancer baby close and praises for one more day on earth. I want to encourage the mom who just found out she has cancer. The mom whose body is failing and just doesn't want to move on. The one who doesn't feel appreciated by her husband or children or friends or family. I'm here. You are not alone. I see you and I lift you up and pray that God will pour out His blessings store up in heaven for you and that you will be ready and open to receiving so many of them that you have to say "ok God, Uncle! Uncle! Give me a minute to process all the goodness you have given." God Bless you and may the cartoon continue.