I DON'T HATE MOTHER'S DAY!

I'm just getting to the point I can write this. I appreciate so many of your loving, encouraging words on this Mother's Day past. I know I am blessed, beyond words, with friends who love and support me and a husband who thinks the world of me and wishes this day would be better for me. This day is not always a happy day for many, but I saw something posted on Facebook that made me pause. Some people boycott this day. Some people hate this day. And some people say hurtful things to cover up the fact this day is a disappointment. I don't want that to be my message, therefore I had to write this post. Mother's Day an emotional day. If I had to describe the Mother's Day emotion it would be REGRET. It starts out with my own mother, who I treated very poorly. I regret those days and would give anything to go back and treat her with the love and respect she deserves. You can never take back words or actions that were meant to hurt. You can say sorry and beg forgiveness, but the regret will always be there. Sometimes that regret is overwhelming and I cannot even contemplate what I will have to answer to in heaven. I love her fiercely and wish she could see inside my heart how much I love her. Mother's Day is also a reminder of the child I lost in 2006. I didn't really mourn the loss then and it was really hard to explain to people how it felt like an out of body experience. I have mourned over the last ten years on different occasions. I wonder who he would have looked like. I wonder if he would be smart like his father and funny like me. I wonder who he'd be, what struggles he would have and if he would love Jesus. I mourn the month of February, because I know that he would have been born on my birthday, like I was born on my grandfather's birthday. I mourn that I couldn't give my husband the one connection that most all adoptees agree is very important and life changing. I mourn not getting to watch my Gypsy, the love of my life, teach and coach and lead my son into greatness. I mourn what would have been. The only thing more certain is that I will mourn him until my last breath. (I say him because I know in my heart it was a boy). Mother's Day is also regret because even though I have two adopted kids, they had to go through trauma and sorrow to become mine. Some mother out there made terrible choices and now I have her babies. It makes me conflicted, and I know if I"M conflicted, THEY TOO, are conflicted. Do I mourn the life of this mother, who abused her babies and treated them so poorly they were taken away? Do I feel sad for her? What life must she have lived to not be able to love her children and neglect them until their brains were not fully formed and they may never recover? The regret for me is that I do mourn for her. I regret she didn't have a better life, or a greater respect for the life of her children. I agonize over the fact that she didn't get to participate in the fun things that bring her children joy. I feel anger toward her when my children can't do the normal, healthy things other kids do because of her bad choices. So many consequences from just one person. I think of her often and wish she knew how much these babies deserved love and kindness and health, and happiness. I wish she knew how much they needed her. I wish, and I can't fix. It makes me sad, angry, and regretful. So, while some of you understand my feelings, some of you have no idea. I just wanted to say that many of my friends are mothers, and I have prayed for their pregnancies, births, and children. I love you all, respect you immensely and celebrate you with fanfare. I do not begrudge anyone a fabulous celebration, it just worked a WHOLE LOT BETTER for our family to just skip this celebration altogether. Love to you all, Staci